Bisexual here. The difference between kissing straight men and queer people is that straight men can only be the kissing lead and never the follow. If you can’t follow, it’s much harder to empathize with your partner and imagine their experience with you.
I really thought all men were bad kissers, but then once I decided to just be only passive/receptive when men kissed me. I would react/respond harmoniously with their kissing moves. The technique got a lot better. At 40, most men are passable kissers and many are great, but only if they are 100% the lead. If I try lead the kissing at all, it becomes a power struggle, when really men should just transition to being the follow role.
Queers are much better at switching back and forth between lead and follow while kissing. It’s so much more fun and dynamic. I’ve actually been teaching one of my cis male partners (I’m poly) to follow kissing right now. He’s bisexual and subby and just exploring now, so he wants to experience other positionalities.
I do agree with this - though I will say that some men do, without prompting, follow; it just takes more time for them to get into it. Also, if we were making out and I climbed in their lap so I was on top of them, the kissing dynamic would change and they'd let me take the lead, which was hot for both of us.
As someone very queer who mostly only dates AFAB folks now, I will say that both the kissing and sex are far more fluid and dynamic, but I think that's because we're all over here playing with sexuality and gender, and because those things aren't as rigid as they are in heteronormative culture, no one is assuming anything. We're all just figuring it out and reading each other, and that level of attentiveness is really exceptional.
active lips are important in kissing. i do not like when lips are limp and lifeless. i want my lips to wrap around theirs, perhaps some sucking and caressing. perhaps in sync part is when the above is reciprocated, and there's a back and forth. also some playful use of the tongue
These are such good first kisses! My TV favorite is Nick and Jess from New Girl, though. (https://youtu.be/4J-E2n_vpeI?feature=shared). The responsiveness you're talking about is definitely there. And there's something about him knowing her And showing himself to be different than she thinks he is.
Since my husband and I started dating when I was 23, and I literally didn’t kiss anyone while I was at Duke (I had no interest in hooking up), I’ve only kissed a handful of guys. I agree that what makes a kiss really amazing is that level of responsiveness and feeling in sync. I love when he looks at me beforehand and starts off really slow before it intensifies. I’ve watched a lot of The Bachelor, and I also have strong opinions about how being up against a wall really works for me (Arie did this amazingly well when he was The Bachelor).
The worst kiss I ever had wasn’t because the guy was a bad kisser exactly- I just didn’t feel like he was reading my cues well, and it felt off. I was on Match.com at that point so I had gone on a few dates with other guys and agreed to a date with a middle school teacher (I was a grad student for school counseling, so all my friends thought a teacher sounded like a good idea for me). The first thing that made me skeptical of him was that he didn’t kiss me after the date initially but texted a few minutes later to say he did actually want to kiss me, and could I drive back. I did it, but I was already wondering why he let me leave in the first place. Then he did push me up against the car while we were kissing which I did like, but he kept biting my lip (which I don’t hate in moderation, but this was multiple times in a minute). I just felt like what I wanted was not really being taken into account and he was taking the lead with what he wanted to do. Even with that we had a second date where he just invited me over to watch New Girl. He was really weird the whole time and didn’t kiss me after that date at all. He texted the next day to say he felt like it wasn’t going to work and that I “talked too much about my friends.”
I think I just responded with okay and promptly vented to whoever was doing a practice counseling session for me that day (we used to practice being in the client role for our classmates since our first year we were all learning more about the client/counselor relationship). I met my husband a couple weeks after this guy rejected me.
I had forgotten how good the Rory/Jess kiss is! I like to grab my husband’s hair so it reminded me of us too- I think the variation between soft and gentle or more frantic can be exciting. He’s the only person I ever kissed for more than 2 hours without actually having sex, he’s a really good kisser.
My worst kiss ever was a breath issue- I had stayed at his place overnight and he was fully awake for more than 30 minutes, brush your damn teeth before you kiss me goodbye! I don’t recall anyone with particularly bad technique though I have vague memories of too much tongue- I feel like most people I kissed were pretty good at backing off when I modeled more of what I wanted. The third year law student I dated for a month before he graduated was a smoker and he was actually a great kisser but timing kissing around his smoking irritated me.
Smoking was definitely such a turn off. I think there was only one time that my ex boyfriend smoked before we kissed, and it was the worst taste, and I knew I could never date a smoker again after we broke up.
Kissing is very overwhelming to me. Like, it feels like I’m being suffocated, which I believe is a mental issue more than a physical one. Of course, I haven’t kissed anyone since 2018, so perhaps in 2025, I will get myself out there.
it's dynamics, like classical music, slow-fast, hard-soft, tender-savage-- then there's just the animal truth of attraction and overall fuck energy, dudes either have it or they don't -- and of course liking the taste of someone's mouth and wanting their spit -- good kissing should be a mutual initiation
“Men, on the other hand, are typically socialized to be assertive and to trust themselves. So when it comes to kissing, they’re more likely to do what they want and not tune into and react to cues coming from their partner.”
This has a steak of truth for me in that I never learned growing up how much of a two-way action kissing is. Had passively learned it to be a “men do to women” thing.
Was fortunate that my first kissing partner schooled me properly from the outset.
Straight guy, 40s. My kissing got a lot better (per feedback) in my late 20s when I stopped leading so strongly, and started playing a lot: go in, wait there with your lips almost but not quite touching, hold that until you can’t hold it any more and then gently brush before going in with anything with tongues. There is a place for forcefulness but it’s not in kissing. Incidentally women are quite capable of coming in far too strong and knocking teeth as well, and it’s as little fun for men to be on the receiving end of that as it is for women.
Bisexual here. The difference between kissing straight men and queer people is that straight men can only be the kissing lead and never the follow. If you can’t follow, it’s much harder to empathize with your partner and imagine their experience with you.
I really thought all men were bad kissers, but then once I decided to just be only passive/receptive when men kissed me. I would react/respond harmoniously with their kissing moves. The technique got a lot better. At 40, most men are passable kissers and many are great, but only if they are 100% the lead. If I try lead the kissing at all, it becomes a power struggle, when really men should just transition to being the follow role.
Queers are much better at switching back and forth between lead and follow while kissing. It’s so much more fun and dynamic. I’ve actually been teaching one of my cis male partners (I’m poly) to follow kissing right now. He’s bisexual and subby and just exploring now, so he wants to experience other positionalities.
this is FASCINATING — thank you for sharing.
I do agree with this - though I will say that some men do, without prompting, follow; it just takes more time for them to get into it. Also, if we were making out and I climbed in their lap so I was on top of them, the kissing dynamic would change and they'd let me take the lead, which was hot for both of us.
As someone very queer who mostly only dates AFAB folks now, I will say that both the kissing and sex are far more fluid and dynamic, but I think that's because we're all over here playing with sexuality and gender, and because those things aren't as rigid as they are in heteronormative culture, no one is assuming anything. We're all just figuring it out and reading each other, and that level of attentiveness is really exceptional.
active lips are important in kissing. i do not like when lips are limp and lifeless. i want my lips to wrap around theirs, perhaps some sucking and caressing. perhaps in sync part is when the above is reciprocated, and there's a back and forth. also some playful use of the tongue
ohhhh yes active lips are important!!!!!
These are such good first kisses! My TV favorite is Nick and Jess from New Girl, though. (https://youtu.be/4J-E2n_vpeI?feature=shared). The responsiveness you're talking about is definitely there. And there's something about him knowing her And showing himself to be different than she thinks he is.
Part of what makes this (and others!) so hot is the breath control- or seeming lack there of. A key to paying attention to your kissing partner!
Def thought of their kiss!
Sanditon, Season 2 Episode 5 has a phenomenal kiss
I'm a huge fan of big juicy lips - i just think they're better to kiss, more to grab on to.
omg yes, me too. I’ve never been even attracted to thin-lipped men!
Since my husband and I started dating when I was 23, and I literally didn’t kiss anyone while I was at Duke (I had no interest in hooking up), I’ve only kissed a handful of guys. I agree that what makes a kiss really amazing is that level of responsiveness and feeling in sync. I love when he looks at me beforehand and starts off really slow before it intensifies. I’ve watched a lot of The Bachelor, and I also have strong opinions about how being up against a wall really works for me (Arie did this amazingly well when he was The Bachelor).
The worst kiss I ever had wasn’t because the guy was a bad kisser exactly- I just didn’t feel like he was reading my cues well, and it felt off. I was on Match.com at that point so I had gone on a few dates with other guys and agreed to a date with a middle school teacher (I was a grad student for school counseling, so all my friends thought a teacher sounded like a good idea for me). The first thing that made me skeptical of him was that he didn’t kiss me after the date initially but texted a few minutes later to say he did actually want to kiss me, and could I drive back. I did it, but I was already wondering why he let me leave in the first place. Then he did push me up against the car while we were kissing which I did like, but he kept biting my lip (which I don’t hate in moderation, but this was multiple times in a minute). I just felt like what I wanted was not really being taken into account and he was taking the lead with what he wanted to do. Even with that we had a second date where he just invited me over to watch New Girl. He was really weird the whole time and didn’t kiss me after that date at all. He texted the next day to say he felt like it wasn’t going to work and that I “talked too much about my friends.”
I think I just responded with okay and promptly vented to whoever was doing a practice counseling session for me that day (we used to practice being in the client role for our classmates since our first year we were all learning more about the client/counselor relationship). I met my husband a couple weeks after this guy rejected me.
You talked too much about your friends.... Goodness. Good riddance! I'm a fan of gentle lip biting but I agree -- it needs to be in moderation.
I had forgotten how good the Rory/Jess kiss is! I like to grab my husband’s hair so it reminded me of us too- I think the variation between soft and gentle or more frantic can be exciting. He’s the only person I ever kissed for more than 2 hours without actually having sex, he’s a really good kisser.
My worst kiss ever was a breath issue- I had stayed at his place overnight and he was fully awake for more than 30 minutes, brush your damn teeth before you kiss me goodbye! I don’t recall anyone with particularly bad technique though I have vague memories of too much tongue- I feel like most people I kissed were pretty good at backing off when I modeled more of what I wanted. The third year law student I dated for a month before he graduated was a smoker and he was actually a great kisser but timing kissing around his smoking irritated me.
Smoking was definitely such a turn off. I think there was only one time that my ex boyfriend smoked before we kissed, and it was the worst taste, and I knew I could never date a smoker again after we broke up.
Kissing is very overwhelming to me. Like, it feels like I’m being suffocated, which I believe is a mental issue more than a physical one. Of course, I haven’t kissed anyone since 2018, so perhaps in 2025, I will get myself out there.
it's dynamics, like classical music, slow-fast, hard-soft, tender-savage-- then there's just the animal truth of attraction and overall fuck energy, dudes either have it or they don't -- and of course liking the taste of someone's mouth and wanting their spit -- good kissing should be a mutual initiation
In a nutshell
Kisses should be passionate
Not aggressive
“Men, on the other hand, are typically socialized to be assertive and to trust themselves. So when it comes to kissing, they’re more likely to do what they want and not tune into and react to cues coming from their partner.”
This has a steak of truth for me in that I never learned growing up how much of a two-way action kissing is. Had passively learned it to be a “men do to women” thing.
Was fortunate that my first kissing partner schooled me properly from the outset.
Straight guy, 40s. My kissing got a lot better (per feedback) in my late 20s when I stopped leading so strongly, and started playing a lot: go in, wait there with your lips almost but not quite touching, hold that until you can’t hold it any more and then gently brush before going in with anything with tongues. There is a place for forcefulness but it’s not in kissing. Incidentally women are quite capable of coming in far too strong and knocking teeth as well, and it’s as little fun for men to be on the receiving end of that as it is for women.