No Windmill Tongue, Please

What even is a good kiss?

I’ve kissed a few men lately. Some kisses have been wonderful, some have been mediocre, and some have been heinous.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a kiss good versus bad.

I believe we are required by law to start this conversation by examining this kiss from episode 2 of the Netflix show Nobody Wants This.

Everyone I know agrees — this is a good kiss. Scratch that: This is a GREAT kiss. I have watched it over and over to try to parse what makes it so special, and here are a few observations:

1. It starts slow, with lots of sexy, anticipatory pre-kiss eye contact. They each look at each others’ lips, then eyes, then lips, before slowly leaning in.

2. He cradles her face and gently strokes her cheek with his thumb before the kiss. <swooooon>

3. As they kiss, they respond to each other in tandem. The kiss slows down, speeds up, slows down again. They are in sync, almost like they’re reading each other’s minds.

I will also point out that, having watched this video more times than I care to admit, I have never seen any tongues. I think they’re perhaps implied? But I don’t think the kiss suffers without them, either.

I polled a few friends this week about their favorite on-screen kisses. Several mentioned the kiss-in-the-rain from The Notebook, which won “Best Kiss” at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards, at which they went onstage and kissed again. The kiss from The Notebook is, no question, hot and dramatic. I love how she hungrily opens her mouth wide in the approach as if she’s going to consume him. It’s a frenetic, we-have-been-waiting-to-do-this-forever, I-must-have-you-right-now kind of kiss, which is hot, for sure — but given the frenzy, it’s hard to analyze the technique.

Same goes for this amazing kiss from The Last of the Mohicans. Powerful, full of emotion, but not exactly one for dissecting the craft.

I really like this more tentative kiss between Rory and Jess in season 2 of Gilmore Girls. It’s slow, at first, and therefore easier to see what exactly is happening. Like with the kiss from Nobody Wants This, I see a lot of give-and-take. Jess gently grabs Rory’s sweater with his left hand, pulls her to him and kisses her. Rory kisses him back and the kiss intensifies as she wraps one arm, then the other, around his neck. Then, his right hand goes around her waist, and she grabs his hair.

From these examples, and my own kissing experiences, I think a key element of a good kiss is mutual attentiveness and responsiveness. The kiss from Nobody Wants This begins delicately because that’s the energy they are each bringing to the moment — but that quickly changes, and the kissing intensifies as they react and respond. They are closely tuned into each other’s body language and actions. The kissing is a deeply dynamic process. I love making out with my A/C repairman because every kiss is like an improvisational dance. We never know quite where it’s going, but we’re always in step. (However, he has never stroked my cheek before or during a kiss, and I think I may need to request that.)

This is why the “guy-aggressively-sticks-his-windmill-tongue-down-your-throat” kisses can be, at least for me, extremely off-putting. They are too much too fast — the guy is coming in hot when I still need some warming up. He isn’t at all aware of my energy, and he sure as hell isn’t responding to the fact that I am not sticking my own tongue down his throat. He’s doing what he wants, operating in his own little self-centered man silo, penetrating my mouth in a way I didn’t invite. Eww.

I have a theory that men are less likely than women to be good kissers because of how they are socialized. Women are taught to always have their social antennae up, to constantly be observing and reacting to others. (Men certainly can do this, but it isn’t braided into their identities in the same way it is for women.) Men, on the other hand, are typically socialized to be assertive and to trust themselves. So when it comes to kissing, they’re more likely to do what they want and not tune into and react to cues coming from their partner. (I would love for any pansexuals and bisexuals to weigh in on this theory in the comments!)

I have kissed men who have not paid attention to my cues, and it gets old fast. Sometimes I try to show them what I want, and sometimes I even ask them to slow down or be more gentle — but they often don’t. That, to me, is the mark of a bad kisser. And, probably, a not-so-great partner. Maybe, then, a kiss is a good litmus test. Is this a guy who is curious about me, how I feel and what I like — or is he an oblivious, self-centered male who is going to do whatever he wants?

Breath is, of course, another hugely important factor. Bad breath is nasty. I’m not talking about the bad breath you get when you eat garlic. I’m talking about the rancid bad breath that comes from a dark place in the very back of the mouth — the one you sometimes encounter with a deep kiss. I brought a guy home about a month ago after a dinner date and although the first tentative kiss was fine, as soon as we started really kissing, I was like OH HELL NO.

The breath issue raises a larger point — we all have sensory differences, and they shape what we like and don’t like when we kiss (as well as during sex). Some people may be more sensitive to certain flavors of breath than others. I may prefer softer kisses in part because of how my nervous system is wired. And maybe there are gender differences in preferences, too. So there probably isn’t a universal definition of what makes a kiss “good” versus “bad.” Still, I believe that a great kiss is a dynamic process — two people actively engaged in the moment, responding to each other, creating something together. It’s a dialogue, not a monologue. It’s about curiosity, respect, and mutual exploration.

What do you think makes a kiss good versus bad? And what’s your worst kissing experience? Share in the comments!

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