I’ve written here about the sex I’ve been having with my A/C repairman over the past few months. It’s been hot. It’s been fun.
But …. I’ve had an epiphany. I have been confusing great sex with hungry sex. The sex with my A/C repairman has been hungry sex. My libido post-divorce has gone through the roof, and I’m very physically attracted to this guy. My body craves him, and the intensity of my desire makes the sex feel really good, no matter what it’s like. It’s raw and eager and satisfies the craving.
Just like when you’re starving for food, and it doesn’t really matter what you eat – it all tastes good, because any food satisfies the need. Or like scratching an intense itch: It doesn’t really matter how you scratch it. Any kind of scratch provides relief.
Great sex, I’ve just discovered, is something completely different. Over the past three weeks, I have been having mind-blowing, life-changing sex for the first time in my life.
Seriously: It’s the best sex I have ever had.
Yes, it’s with the energy healer. He may have broken my body that first time, but I went back for more, and holy shit, very glad I did. (Thankfully, my body seems to have adapted, too, and is no longer losing its shit in our sexual aftermath.)
As you know if you read my last newsletter, when I first met the energy healer, I didn’t feel sparks. But then, suddenly, boom. I actually wondered if he had put some kind of spell on me (I even asked, and he assured me, laughing, that he had not). Maybe his energy did, though, without his knowledge. I don’t know. All I know is that I went from “meh” to “oh my god, give this man to me in all his naked glory” over the course of a few hours one night after our first coffee date, while I was trying to fall asleep.
Our first sex after that was off the charts, but …. it’s only gotten better. We’ve met up several times and have always been naked within minutes. Each time, the energy between us has been different. Once, I was literally vibrating the whole time, and the orgasm — the release was so intense that I erupted in deep belly laughs and tears started streaming down my face. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
Another time, the sex was slow and deeply tender. We spent the entire time staring into each other’s eyes as if we were madly in love, which I adored, but which was also slightly terrifying. This guy does not shy away from intensity, and I can be — as you’ve probably figured out by now — a rather intense person too. Part of me worries that we will spontaneously combust or explode if we spend too much time together.
Why is the sex with him so goddamned good? I’ve been trying to figure this out, and I believe it’s a combination of things. The first, which I suppose is sheer luck, is that he has a wonderful penis that is perfectly shaped to reach my G-spot. I still haven’t orgasmed with him from penetration alone (I think it’s possible we will get there — an experience I haven’t had since my mid 20s), but when I grab my vibrator mid-romp, I climax very quickly. It’s also the first time in a long while that I’ve climaxed missionary style, which I actually really really enjoy.
So there’s the penis. But the amazing sex is, I think, also a product of his curiosity, his responsiveness, and his focus on my pleasure. He works with animals, which makes him very good at reading nonverbal cues, and he immediately responds to mine. When a particular move or angle feels good to me, he senses it and keeps doing it, watching me as I respond. A couple of times, he literally read my mind — we were mid-romp and I was thinking about grabbing my vibrator, and suddenly he reached over and handed it to me. I was floored — how did he know? I could just tell you were ready for it, he said.
The synchrony we share feels almost spiritual, like we are connected on some invisible astral plane. I know how that sounds. I’m just trying to put into words what the experience is like. I find that I am constantly tuning into and responding to him, too, and that my own desire is closely intertwined with his. I came out of blowjob retirement a few months ago, but I really really really like having the energy healer in my mouth. I love feeling him respond and get more and more turned on. (But jesus, blowjobs are more work with big penises.)
There’s another thing about my sessions with the energy healer that I’ve never experienced before. With guys I’ve been with in the past, I’ve felt a clear demarcation between sexy time and non-sexy time, and between myself and the other person. It’s been like like: the doors open up, we get extremely physical with each other, and then the doors close again and we go about our lives as separate individuals. With the energy healer, these lines are all blurred. When I’m around him, I constantly yearn to physically connect with him in some way. I want to be touching him even if just with my fingertips on his arm, and even if we are just having a conversation. I also feel like we are constantly hovering between sex and non-sex. We are almost always naked the entire time we are together, lying around, entwined even when we are taking a sex break or talking about something totally mundane. This is new for me; my marriage involved very little touching except when we were (rarely) having sex.
Then there’s my sexual hunger for the energy healer, which — like with the A/C repairman — makes the sex good simply because it’s satisfying my desire. But whereas my hunger for my repairman is rooted in physical attraction, my hunger for the energy healer is rooted in …. oh so many deeper things. I do think he has a great face and body. He’s sexy as fuck. There’s a lot of physical attraction. But I also see — and please bear with me, this sounds so goddamned cheesy — that he has a beautiful soul. He’s deeply considerate, the kind of person who remembers details and asks after me in ways that suggest he’s not just going through the motions but actually cares. I made him soup once and he thanked me so many times. It’s clear that he isn’t a guy who expects a woman’s caretaking and labor, but instead is genuinely moved by it and grateful for it. He’s also never kept me waiting — he’s very respectful of my time — and he’s constantly checking in with me during sex, making sure I’m okay and enjoying it. He’s never stuck inside his own head, oblivious to everything but his own pleasure, as is the case for so many men I’ve slept with.
The energy healer is emotionally mature and available in ways I’ve frankly never observed in a man before, too. Recently, I confessed to him that ours was the best sex I’ve ever had and that my feelings for him were intense and making me feel confused and vulnerable. It was a lot to say to a guy I’d met with a handful of times, ostensibly just for casual sex. But I sensed he would be okay with it, and I was right — he did not freak out. He took my feelings and held them, telling me that he appreciated my candor, respected my vulnerability, and that my intense feelings were absolutely fine because, in his words, “I live in these spaces.”
I have never met a man who lives “in these spaces.” I didn’t even know they made men who live “in these spaces.” I’ve never been with someone who is not, on some level, terrified by my intensity.
There is such a deep feeling of relief in finally meeting someone like this: Who’s curious about me, really and truly sees me, and is not afraid of me. My whole life, I’ve dialed my intensity down, made myself smaller, to make other men comfortable. With the energy healer, I don’t have to do that — and that is immensely freeing. It’s a big part of why the sex is so amazing. It’s releasing all sorts of, for lack of a better word, energy inside me.
I texted some friends the other day: “I feel like I’ve had a huge gross clog and now I’m being unclogged.” I know that plumbing metaphors aren’t particularly sexy, but it perfectly describes how I feel. I feel I’m purging myself of a clog I’ve had for 20 years but didn’t even really know was there. That clog suffocated the part of me that could live “in these spaces.” It made me hold back and hold in the parts of me that were a little too wild for the people around me. But my energy healer is coaxing it back out, little by little. A few days ago, in bed with him, I heard myself make a noise I’ve never made before — like a meow, but more feral. I giggled self-consciously. He just grinned.
By leaving this comment I’m hoping that I’m signalling to the universe that I too would like an energy healer. I’m long overdue. Please, universe, hear my prayers?
“I’ve never been with someone who is not, on some level, terrified by my intensity.”
This is so fascinating!!!! And yet I’m a little put off by his response of “I live in these spaces.” Like did you not want to be affirmed or him to reciprocate with equal vulnerability? Maybe I’m too sensitive! But I would have wanted someone to say at the very least that yes, they were enjoying that same level of satisfaction.
Either way I think you have met what they call in kink communities a real “pleasure dom.” Do you think? Is his energy subtle but also commanding? Feels like so many men use this title but they aren’t doing what you’ve described this man as doing which is practicing attainment in such a sophisticated way. Which, I’d argue as a mom, is essential to being a good parent as well.
So many questions!!! But also thank you for writing this — it’s giving me life. And also it’s so political. THIS is what the right wingers don’t want women to feel. THIS freedom is what the anti-abortion movement it’s really about - it’s about limiting women’s access to the pleasure of experiencing the power of their own bodies which is arguably the most important power there is.