I Had Sex With an Energy Healer

It broke my body.

A few weeks ago, I matched with a new guy on Feeld. His bio was out there in a wooey kind of way, which is not generally my thing. Lots of talk of spirituality and engagement and the wisdom of nature. I am very practical and down-to-earth, what you see is what you get.

But he was hot, and I appreciated his tattooed and muscled arms. So I “liked” him, we matched, and then we started chatting.

Right off the bat, I sensed he was different from other guys on the app. He seemed genuinely interested in me, rather than in just sleeping with me. What a novelty! I found it charming, to say the least. After a few days of texting, he hadn’t suggested meeting up, so I did. Feeling demure, I asked if he might like to have coffee.

We met in a small coffee shop on a Tuesday morning, and the best way to sum up my initial reaction was “hmmmmmmmmm.” He didn’t seem as cute as his photos, and he was shorter than me. Which isn’t a problem, but for some reason I wasn’t expecting it. We talked for two hours, though, and it was good conversation — he asked lots of thoughtful questions. He worked with animals and, in his free time, also worked as an energy healer.

Energy healer. I didn’t even really know what that meant. I wondered if he could sense my ambivalence. I wondered if his guardedness was a sign that he felt our energy didn’t “jibe.”

When we got up to leave, I remember thinking that I probably wasn’t going to see him again. I didn’t sense a lot of interest or energy from him, and I didn’t think I was particularly attracted to him, either. Later, I sent him a thank-you text, and he wrote me back something that seemed stilted and formal.

That’s it, I thought. The end.

The next day, though, he reappeared. He texted: “How was pottery class?” At coffee, I had told him that I had a pottery class that evening, and he’d remembered. Impressive. It dawned on me that my A/C repairman, whom I have been sleeping with for several months, has literally never once asked after my Tuesday night pottery class. Instead, he often texts on Tuesday evenings with “what are you up to?” and I have to remind him every time: Tuesday is pottery. Tuesday is pottery. Tuesday is pottery.

I noted the contrast.

That evening, something unexpected happened. I was trying to fall asleep, and suddenly the energy healer was just…. in my brain. In my body. I imagined kissing him, making out with him. I felt hot and restless and hungry. And I was so confused: I didn’t even think this guy was cute. Why was I suddenly overcome with fantasies about him?

I dreamt about him, too. Sexy dreams. Many of them. I woke up so turned on. What the fuck? It was weird, but hell, I’d go with it. All of our texts so far had been polite and nonsexual. Well! It was time to change that. I texted him that he had suddenly taken over my mind and body, that I couldn’t stop thinking about him, that I had dreamt about him touching me.

Off we went. It was like I’d turned on a firehose. Suddenly he was telling me how much he wanted me, what he imagined doing to me. We scheduled a time to meet again. Sunday. Four days. We had to wait four days. Could we do it? I wasn’t sure. Also, again, what the fuck? How had I gone from zero to 60 like this? I couldn’t help but wonder if the transformation had something to do with the fact that he was an energy healer. Did his energy at the coffee shop — which I hadn’t consciously picked up on at the time — slowly permeate my loins and my psyche? I wondered this, and then I rolled my eyes at myself.

Oh, Sunday. Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday. I knocked on his door and immediately smelled cats, which was not great, but, okay. He had a beautiful apartment otherwise, lots of dark wood with books and plants everywhere. I kissed him, almost immediately, while standing in front of his door. He responded slowly, tentatively — his kisses seemed less about him showing me how I felt, and more about him trying to sense how I felt.

The whole evening was like this: His body was an antenna, and he was tuned directly into me. I’d never experienced anything like it before. I’ve never experienced a guy paying such complete attention to me. I don’t mean that he was constantly doing things to me — although yes, there was plenty of that — but more that he was constantly checking in with me, verbally and nonverbally. Sensing what I liked and didn’t like. Adjusting. And oh my god, his body. And oh my god, his penis. And oh my god, the sex. It went on for hours. I remember that at one point, he stopped to point out that my legs, wrapped around him, were literally vibrating.

I left in a daze. A happy daze. I went to bed. I woke up the next morning and texted him, asked him how he was feeling. “Quite sublime,” he wrote. “I woke up thinking about your mouth.”

I told him I felt delightful. And I did.

Until my body started to break.

First, my back started acting up. Intermittent pain. I couldn’t bend over. At certain points in the day, I could hardly move. I had to ask my younger son to help me put my socks and shoes on.

Then I started having strange out-of-body experiences. Strong feelings of deja vu. It was like I was on drugs — like I’d taken a few bites of mushrooms. It’s hard to explain, but I felt outside of reality, as if I was seeing the world from a different vantage point. The episodes would last a few minutes, then go away, then come back again.

Next was the vertigo. While out with my boys, I got hit with the longest lasting bout of vertigo I’d ever experienced. My eldest had to hold onto my arm as I loped over to a chair to sit down and wait it out.

My neck was the last thing that broke. I started getting searing pain down my arms, emanating from my shoulder blades. It happened first on my right side, and then, immediately afterwards, on my left. And then, just as promptly, it stopped.

I texted the energy healer, updating him on my strange woes. He apologized and said he’d try to tune down his energy next time, but it would be hard, because his energy was responding to mine. Uh-huh. Okay, woo dude.

But then I was like: Wait, what if this is an energy thing? I’ve literally never had such an odd array of ailments hit me after a night of sex. And let me reiterate: It was really intense sex. Perhaps his raw healing energy runnethed over and nearly drowned my shallow, not-very-energetically-evolved vessel of a self.

It couldn’t be, could it? No. But ….. maybe…..yes. Yes, it was possible. Shit, yes.

I’m relieved to report that my body did manage to put itself back together again eventually. I might be in my late 40s, but I’m no Humpty Dumpty, assholes! And, well, apparently my body was also OK with the steep price it had paid, because, once recovered, it immediately craved another energy rendez-vous. I texted the healer and asked him when he was free.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Well,” I wrote, "If you break me in two, at least I’ll die happy.”