Pleasure Has No Hierarchy
Let women get off however they want.
There’s a pernicious myth in our culture — even among the most progressive circles — that desperately needs dismantling. It’s the idea that there’s a hierarchy of female pleasure, that some forms are better or purer than others. If a woman gets herself off around a guy — especially if, god forbid, she uses a vibrator — her orgasm is somehow not as “good” as one singularly brought about by a man.
These days, most guys seem to understand that few women orgasm from penetration alone. They know we usually need other forms of stimulation. And they are often happy to provide it.
I appreciate this. I am all for guys pleasuring women!!! I love to be touched, kissed, licked, fondled… all the things.
What I don’t like is when men think it’s not okay, not ideal, some kind of failure, for us to pleasure ourselves.
I have yet to sleep with a guy who has proven to be an exception to this rule. Even among seemingly open-minded men, there's an unspoken belief that a woman's independent pursuit of pleasure is a disappointing compromise — a last resort rather than a joyful act. When I use my hand or vibrator during sex, guys might say it’s fine, but there’s always a quiet judgment behind it, a disappointment, a frustration.
I can see it in their faces and hear it in their resigned sighs and comments when they say things like “Do what you have to do,” or “You need your toy again?!” They don’t embrace my pursuit of pleasure; they tolerate it. My desire to touch myself is somehow a sign of failure or inadequacy in their male-centered pleasure hierarchy.
On the extreme end, their shame can lead men to react defensively, throwing painful barbs like “your body is weird” or “what’s wrong with you?” My body isn’t weird — though it is, like every body, unique. (Also, god forbid a woman doesn’t orgasm at all. I wish men could understand that it is more helpful to center a woman’s pleasure rather than her orgasms.)
If the priority is ensuring that a woman has a good time during sex, then the means shouldn’t matter. If our satisfaction isn’t worth celebrating unless it involves your hand, your penis or your tongue, you’re no longer centering a woman’s pleasure. You’re centering yourself.
I’m not saying that men shouldn’t seek to understand what women like, or that they should stop trying to make us feel good. I know some guys are going to read this and freak out and imply that’s what I’m saying. I’m not. I’m asking men to please stop shaming women, and shaming themselves, when women take initiative and do things that feel good but don’t involve the male body. Or when women state their preferences and those preferences don’t align with what men want women to want.
The other day, I was chatting on a dating app with a guy who asked me about my kinks and sexual preferences. I explained that oral sex is not my favorite, to which he replied: “or maybe you just haven’t had the right oral.”
I rolled my eyes, as I always do. Yes, I’m sure you know my body better than I do, random man I’ve never even met. Best mansplain ever! And I’m sure you’re so much better at oral sex than everyone else. Good job turning your supposed curiosity about what I enjoy into a way to brag about yourself. Good job twisting a woman's honest expression of her sexual preferences into a narrative about male prowess.
So, guys, I implore you: Believe women when they tell you what they like and don’t like. And the next time a woman touches herself or reaches for her vibrator, don’t look at her like a dejected puppy. Get excited. Get into it. She’s sharing this intimate experience with you, even if your hands or penis or tongue aren’t directly involved. Let her know that her pleasure is welcome, no matter how she likes to find it.
Before we had sex for the first time, I told my (now) ex that I needed a vibrator to orgasm. The next time I went to his apartment, he shyly told me that he'd bought me a vibrator to keep at his place. I was speechless, and he said, "Well, I want you to have orgasms here!" He even kept it charged and clean for me without asking for our entire relationship. I'd never had a man respond so positively to a vibrator, and this GAVE ME HOPE that culture is very slowly changing! We opened the package together and he was like "I hope I picked a good one" (it was a decent $20 knockoff wand from Amazon). I cannot even explain how hot this whole situation was.
It's worth noting that he would sometimes lose his erection when I used the vibrator -- but he'd always encourage me to keep enjoying myself and to take more time. Nothing's perfect, but I appreciated his willingness to center my pleasure. :)
This whole post resonates so much, especially the mansplaining around "or maybe you just haven’t had the right oral" or penetration or whatever. Trust me, dude. I know your fragility almost as well as I know my own body.