Before we had sex for the first time, I told my (now) ex that I needed a vibrator to orgasm. The next time I went to his apartment, he shyly told me that he'd bought me a vibrator to keep at his place. I was speechless, and he said, "Well, I want you to have orgasms here!" He even kept it charged and clean for me without asking for our entire relationship. I'd never had a man respond so positively to a vibrator, and this GAVE ME HOPE that culture is very slowly changing! We opened the package together and he was like "I hope I picked a good one" (it was a decent $20 knockoff wand from Amazon). I cannot even explain how hot this whole situation was.
It's worth noting that he would sometimes lose his erection when I used the vibrator -- but he'd always encourage me to keep enjoying myself and to take more time. Nothing's perfect, but I appreciated his willingness to center my pleasure. :)
Oh that's awesome!! I did have a guy (the A/C repairman) *say* he wanted to buy a vibrator to keep at his place.... but then he never bought one and later it became clear that he was not thrilled that I always used one. Sigh.
This whole post resonates so much, especially the mansplaining around "or maybe you just haven’t had the right oral" or penetration or whatever. Trust me, dude. I know your fragility almost as well as I know my own body.
Yes! It’s about *pleasure*, which is so outside the patriarchal framework (outside the binary of orgasm/no-orgasm; not a competition with a winner/loser, etc.) that a lot of men can’t comprehend. Their whole life, they’ve been conditioned to be providers or whatever, that they can’t let go of the idea that this is a thing they should do too. I’m sometimes mad about the “She Comes First” book/movement/whatever, because it’s kinda become “She Must Come First” — another thing for men to get weird and achieve-y about.
Halle-frickin-lujah!! You have spoken/written the TRUTH. Now, to figure out how to send your article to my (single and straight) 38 year-old-son so he can not disappoint his partner(s)….without him freaking out that I’m his MOM. And if I decide to re-enter the dating world…I will be handing out copies of this!!!
Also…this behaviour is reflective of their attitudes around what it means to be a caring partner in general. There is a very fine line between a man being confident and a man being an egotistical narcissist. I am still looking for someone with confidence and humility. Does that even exist?
Oh. Actually.... This isn't my partner. It's me. He is always happy to use toys and things... But I've internalized this. Wow. Thank you for putting this into words.
I just had a conversation with a client about this! We all know how challenging it can be for a women to reach orgasm with a male partner, and a vibe is a great tool to support her pleasure. What does it matter what path we take to the top of the peak? We'll enjoy the view no matter what.
Well that's awesome! And maybe I've just had bad luck, lol. But sometimes it can be very subtle or only arise after a while. Like it's not always overt anger or frustration. A guy may, for instance, seemingly be OK with it, but I'll be able to sense a mood change and then a few months later he will come out with a comment about how he wishes he could give me an orgasm instead. Or a guy will regularly lose their erection when I do it. Etc.
This happened to me recently. His words said "yes" but his actions said "uhhhhh no." It was especially disappointing because up to that point, he seemed eager to center my pleasure. Things between us cooled for a few reasons, but this stuck in my craw!
I’m sorry it happened to you too! Your newsletter arrived in my life at the exact right moment—I’m recently divorced and thinking about my pleasure for the first time in a long time.
The problem is porn. IMO. Not that porn is such a bad thing, but it overwhelmingly presents men as merely needing to show up with a hard on and the woman is panting in need. So much that when he touches her she’s orgasming. Why on earth would she need anything else than this god-like man?!
Porn needs to change, because honestly, has anyone ever met a man who doesn’t watch porn?
I’m 61 and can honestly say that her pleasure gives me so much pleasure. How? How she wants it and how she needs it. I don’t care. I get to watch, hear, and feel her orgasm!!! That’s so enjoyable.
Why take on the risks involved with having sex with men if you need to bring yourself pleasure and/or orgasm? Women can do that alone without threats of sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy or sexual abuse. How many women are pleasuring themselves with a man present because they really, really want to not because the man is selfish and bad in bed? I bet the number of women with this sexual preference is minuscule. Sadly, many women are doing this not for its liberatory value but because she will experience little to no pleasure during the encounter unless she gives it to herself.
I get so much pleasure out of sex, though, even when I don't orgasm. I think we confuse pleasure with orgasms too often. Yes, I *like* to orgasm, but I still very much enjoy sex without one.
Have you ever give yourself a full body massage? Really not at all the same as when I am given a massage by a skilled professional or loving partner. This feels like a very lonely take. Pleasure for me is expanded when I’m with another - that is in the nature of the human species.
Before we had sex for the first time, I told my (now) ex that I needed a vibrator to orgasm. The next time I went to his apartment, he shyly told me that he'd bought me a vibrator to keep at his place. I was speechless, and he said, "Well, I want you to have orgasms here!" He even kept it charged and clean for me without asking for our entire relationship. I'd never had a man respond so positively to a vibrator, and this GAVE ME HOPE that culture is very slowly changing! We opened the package together and he was like "I hope I picked a good one" (it was a decent $20 knockoff wand from Amazon). I cannot even explain how hot this whole situation was.
It's worth noting that he would sometimes lose his erection when I used the vibrator -- but he'd always encourage me to keep enjoying myself and to take more time. Nothing's perfect, but I appreciated his willingness to center my pleasure. :)
Oh that's awesome!! I did have a guy (the A/C repairman) *say* he wanted to buy a vibrator to keep at his place.... but then he never bought one and later it became clear that he was not thrilled that I always used one. Sigh.
Boo! That's disappointing. I hope he gets over that, for his and everyone else's sake!
This whole post resonates so much, especially the mansplaining around "or maybe you just haven’t had the right oral" or penetration or whatever. Trust me, dude. I know your fragility almost as well as I know my own body.
omg yesssss "I know your fragility almost as well as I know my own body"
Yes! It’s about *pleasure*, which is so outside the patriarchal framework (outside the binary of orgasm/no-orgasm; not a competition with a winner/loser, etc.) that a lot of men can’t comprehend. Their whole life, they’ve been conditioned to be providers or whatever, that they can’t let go of the idea that this is a thing they should do too. I’m sometimes mad about the “She Comes First” book/movement/whatever, because it’s kinda become “She Must Come First” — another thing for men to get weird and achieve-y about.
Halle-frickin-lujah!! You have spoken/written the TRUTH. Now, to figure out how to send your article to my (single and straight) 38 year-old-son so he can not disappoint his partner(s)….without him freaking out that I’m his MOM. And if I decide to re-enter the dating world…I will be handing out copies of this!!!
Also…this behaviour is reflective of their attitudes around what it means to be a caring partner in general. There is a very fine line between a man being confident and a man being an egotistical narcissist. I am still looking for someone with confidence and humility. Does that even exist?
Oh. Actually.... This isn't my partner. It's me. He is always happy to use toys and things... But I've internalized this. Wow. Thank you for putting this into words.
I just had a conversation with a client about this! We all know how challenging it can be for a women to reach orgasm with a male partner, and a vibe is a great tool to support her pleasure. What does it matter what path we take to the top of the peak? We'll enjoy the view no matter what.
Every man should prioritize their partners organisms
Great post!
Thank you! I appreciate the positive feedback :)
I may have been lucky but I never had a man get upset or irritated when I used a vibrator...
Well that's awesome! And maybe I've just had bad luck, lol. But sometimes it can be very subtle or only arise after a while. Like it's not always overt anger or frustration. A guy may, for instance, seemingly be OK with it, but I'll be able to sense a mood change and then a few months later he will come out with a comment about how he wishes he could give me an orgasm instead. Or a guy will regularly lose their erection when I do it. Etc.
This happened to me recently. His words said "yes" but his actions said "uhhhhh no." It was especially disappointing because up to that point, he seemed eager to center my pleasure. Things between us cooled for a few reasons, but this stuck in my craw!
Yeah -- it can be subtle, but I find it easy to pick up on! Ick, I'm sorry it's happened to you too.
I’m sorry it happened to you too! Your newsletter arrived in my life at the exact right moment—I’m recently divorced and thinking about my pleasure for the first time in a long time.
The problem is porn. IMO. Not that porn is such a bad thing, but it overwhelmingly presents men as merely needing to show up with a hard on and the woman is panting in need. So much that when he touches her she’s orgasming. Why on earth would she need anything else than this god-like man?!
Porn needs to change, because honestly, has anyone ever met a man who doesn’t watch porn?
I’m 61 and can honestly say that her pleasure gives me so much pleasure. How? How she wants it and how she needs it. I don’t care. I get to watch, hear, and feel her orgasm!!! That’s so enjoyable.
Why take on the risks involved with having sex with men if you need to bring yourself pleasure and/or orgasm? Women can do that alone without threats of sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy or sexual abuse. How many women are pleasuring themselves with a man present because they really, really want to not because the man is selfish and bad in bed? I bet the number of women with this sexual preference is minuscule. Sadly, many women are doing this not for its liberatory value but because she will experience little to no pleasure during the encounter unless she gives it to herself.
I get so much pleasure out of sex, though, even when I don't orgasm. I think we confuse pleasure with orgasms too often. Yes, I *like* to orgasm, but I still very much enjoy sex without one.
Have you ever give yourself a full body massage? Really not at all the same as when I am given a massage by a skilled professional or loving partner. This feels like a very lonely take. Pleasure for me is expanded when I’m with another - that is in the nature of the human species.
I confess to being very inexperienced, but isn't some of the joy of sex in giving pleasure to your partner?