Dude, You're Not That Big

Why does every guy boast he's above average?

It’s almost a statistical certainty: Whenever I chat up a new guy on a dating app, he informs me that he’s got a giant cock.

They do it in different ways. Some men interject their penises into conversation in bizarre non-sequiturs, careful to always qualify their appendages as large. We’ll be talking about our favorite foods, or where we grew up, and the next text will be MY GIANT COCK LIKES OYSTERS TOO!!!!

A recent example:

Um, thanks? Let’s just say we did not end up grabbing coffee.

Some men take a more paternalistic approach, almost apologetic, as if they are sharing their penis size on behalf of my well-being. They have gigantic cocks and want me to know in advance in case I have, I don’t know, a really small vagina and need to prepare. One guy — of course it was the projectile spitter — warned me that he would likely “stretch me out.”

He did not.

Then there’s the third, and in my opinion worst, category: The men who bring up their penis size to try to excuse themselves from wearing condoms.

Sometimes these men just come out and say it: Condoms don’t fit because of their girth. Others phrase it more vaguely, like “certain aspects of my anatomy make condoms difficult,” wink wink nudge nudge. I mean, has no man ever heard of Magnum XLs? Are these the ads we should actually be seeing during the Super Bowl?

One guy I briefly chatted with on Tinder told me that he was too big for condoms so I should just agree have unprotected sex with him and be monogamous. Later, I found out he was married.

I really, really wish that most guys on dating apps had larger-than-average-sized dicks. I daresay more women would be on them — the apps and the dicks — if that were the case. But, alas, I’ve now seen a lot of these men’s penises with my own two eyes. And most of the time, they are just……. average.

Why do men claim otherwise? I’m guessing they assume bigger is better, and that boasting will improve the chances we’ll go to bed with them. But then, as soon as they take their pants off (and often well before), these men are revealed for the frauds they really are. Surely that’s embarrassing, no? Come on, guys, you’re just setting ladies up for disappointment.

This is not to say that dicks must be enormous to be enjoyable. I think size does matter — but only to a point. I don’t need a guy with a HUGE penis. I just don’t want a very small one. Or a soft one. And bigger isn’t always better. I enjoy some girth, but I don’t need a ton of length. I have definitely uttered the phrase, “I think you are literally poking my ovaries right now” before, and no — that doesn’t feel good.

Flipping the situation around, I wonder: Do women boast about their bodies on dating apps, too? Has a woman on Tinder ever said, “Just FYI, my vagina is verrrrrrry tight, hope I can fit you”? A friend suggested that I could start warning guys about my breasts: “Watch out boys, these babies can hold a can of peas!”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure this never happens. And yet, it’s constant with the men. I guess I get it — so much of the male ego is rooted in penis size. But women also feel immense pressure to have perfect bodies. We’ve been told our entire lives that our value stems from our appearance — yet we’re not inserting random comments about our shiny hair or massive breasts into Tinder conversations, are we.

But hey, it’s information. When a guy makes a big show of telling me about his massive cock, I can be pretty sure that his cock is not, in fact, massive. And he’s probably not great in bed, either. I’ve noticed a clear inverse relationship between penis size boasting and my own sexual enjoyment; my A/C repairman never said a word about his penis, and I can’t get enough of it.

So, guys, if you want to get more women into bed, here’s some simple advice: Shut the fuck up about your penis — regardless of how big you hope or perceive it to be.