I've been thinking about this so much! What about monogamy do I *actually want, vs what I have been taught to want? Conversely, what about nonmonogamy do I *actually want, vs what I convinced myself I wanted in a knee-jerk reaction (correction) to the pain and frustration of a longterm, monogamous relationship that ultimately failed? I think, actually, just now typing this, that my language might be part of the problem - if I am hell-bent on seeing my divorce as a "failure," then, sure, I'm probably more inclined to see its opposite (non monogamy) as the desired path. But on the other hand (and I think this is the "fluid" language referenced in the essay), the work is to remember that it is not any particular approach (monogamy or non) that holds the key to our liberation. We hold the key to our liberation - and how we choose to practice that will be different for each of us. Labels don't matter. Numbers of partners (or absence) of partners don't matter. What matters is HOW we are in relationship(s) with other(s) - and especially how we are in relationship(s) with ourself(ves)!
I missed hearing from you! I was just wondering how you were doing yesterday and here you are today! Thanks for this thoughtful and thought provoking piece. Monogamy (for women) and patriarchy are very interwoven. Patriarchy breeds isolation and competition between women. Matriarchy is community driven and doesn’t leave women to fend for themselves. So, monogamy might be easier for men and women under a matriarchal society, because needs are addressed by the community and not in isolation where only one person can and is supposed to meet the needs of another.
Indeed. Under matriarchy, monogamy is NOT enforced (for either gender) but rather simply seen as a personal preference. And yet somewhat paradoxically, that also likely makes it easier as well
You articulated so well what I've been dealing with since my divorce. For awhile, all I wanted was to be in a monogamous relationship with the right guy. Turns out I kissed a lot of frogs to find the "right guy." And I was in a monogamous relationship with the "right guy" for four years until I realized that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be free, with no strings attached. I love living by myself (will never, ever live with a man again) and being free to do as I want. I have a relationship with a man who is my absolute best friend - but it's not the typical, monogamous relationship. We don't define it. We get together a few times a month (he lives 3 hours away) and it is enough. Do I want more? I couldn't live with him, that's for sure. Could we live in the same town and see each other more often? Maybe. But right now? What we have works for us, and that's all I care about. Will that change? Will one of us want more, or one of us decide to move on? Maybe. I'm not going to worry about that. For now, for this moment, it works. And people don't understand that. They want everyone to default to the same relationship standards: monogamy, long-term commitment, whatever.
Fantastic observations. I’ve just started dating again and have been thinking about all of this. Situational monogamy makes sense. And why would you want to have sex with someone else when the sex is so good where you’re getting it… unless you’re not getting it. I feel it’s brave (and smart) to explore our feelings and boundaries. If he had made promises he couldn’t keep in order to keep you caged in that would have been a whole other type of “sting.”
Forgive me, you didn't ask for advice, but I have thoughts. Energy healer guy knows his limits. Everything you've written about him says so. If you approach him again, and I'm assuming you will, I bet that he's right there. He doesn't want you to feel unsatisfied, unfulfilled or limited. He probably is confident enough in the relationship you two share and knows that you will want to see him again. Relationships that last develop their own dynamics. EHG clearly knows this. Maybe he did let you down easy. Or, maybe he knows that good things have some flex. Don't give up. If the good things were as good as you say, why would you? On the other hand, he might recognize that some of the shine has worn off, too. Maybe it has for you a bit. Is there a better way to let go? Finally, if he was sincere, there is nothing wrong here.
I had a similar reaction when my partner suggested going out and wingmanning for me. Like, I love that we are polyamorous but when we're out together don't you want to be my man for the night?! Lol. It felt like he wanted to get rid of me. And it felt confusing because I know that's not what he meant, he was trying to be a good polyamorous partner in his own way.
The American male has been sold a bill of goods such that the attitude of Mr. energy healer seems valiant and noble. No, it’s not no actual male tells his partner to go fuck somebody else I need my nap. It is against every male instinct. Testosterone levels are noticeably, according to research, Lower than ever. I don’t know what’s going on with the American male but what he did he did out of some stupid belief that he’s being a new age New World man. If you want to break away that’s one thing but throwing you to the wolves? That’s not a man. That is someone who has stopped caring not just about you but about themselves.
This post is so validating to me right now. I have a non-exclusive relationship with a man and I have been seeing other people the whole time. However, he’s always telling me how I’m the only one he has sex with. And then the other day, he randomly sends me a video of him fucking someone else and it hurt. I know it’s a total double standard since I have been having sex with other people the whole time but it still hurt and just the way he did. It was so emotionally immature. And then, when I told him it made me upset, he didn’t understand why it was hurtful the way that he did it. I have never sent him photos or videos with me and other men. I’m still grappling with why it made me so upset, but this article validates that I’m not alone and having mixed feelings around monogamy versus non-monogamy.
Omg, sending a video like that unexpectedly and unsolicited is totally different from if he had simply told you, "I had (protected) sex with someone else, just so you're aware!" It's completely normal that this would be upsetting to you, and even more enraging that he doesn't get it, because wtf?! It's revealing a lack of care for your feelings and basic consent. Not a double standard imo. I hope he apologized, at a minimum!!
Thank you for that! For added context, he was asking me if I would be up for a threesome with a friend of his and when I said, maybe, he then sent the video of them fucking the night before. I still found this upsetting as I did not ask for that and it was very unexpected. He did apologize, but his initial reaction was so hurtful because he kept saying he didn’t understand why I was upset and that my being upset did not phase him. It really makes me question any sort of relationship with him going forward despite the fact that we have been seeing one another for over two years.
Oof, there is a real lack of compassion and communication here on his part!!! Of course you are angry and hurt. He should have talked to you about his decision to sleep with other people, and should also have asked you how much you want to know about his partners / sexual encounters. To send you a video in lieu of these discussions is immature, cruel and cowardly.
Completely understandable reaction on your part imo! I truly cannot understand how someone could think it's ok to just send that without asking, if the topic never came up before. Saying maybe to a threesome is not even close to saying yes to seeing his amateur porn
Just wanting to validate your feelings, because that's enormously violating. Not to mention, if he's non-consensually sending you sexually explicit videos (100% a violation of your consent), does he have his partner's consent to be sending such videos? Hopefully he doesn't have video of the two of you having sex, because if this is how he behaves, I wouldn't trust him with it.
That is a good point. I thought I trusted him until now! There’s definitely things going on in his life that are making him act out of character from what I’ve known the past couple years. I told him he needs to figure out his own shit and not take it out on me! I am not here for that!
This is so good. I've circled through these same thoughts so many times myself as my partner and I ventured into non monogamy and I would feel the same sting when he seemed fine with me going out with other men. Like... what happened to my "touch her and die" trope?! haha. Love how you put it all.
I suggested this to my ex when we were together for the same reasons your Healer did. She had a massive sex drive, I was busy with two businesses, on tour a lot, tired etc…now we’re not together. There were other elements to it for sure, of my unintentional doing and even after 30 years together and insanely shit communication between us…but the end result was the same. I’ve since dabbled in non monogamy and already can see the green eyed monster appearing. It sounds ideal but emotionally (out with our social conditioning) I’m just not sure we’re made for it. Fun though it is.
We need full federal legalization of Prostitution. The problem is the Pimp(government) doesn’t want competition with it’s prostitution(legal marriage) and a wife is the most expensive form of prostitution. They need Men to keep signing up for the marriage Scam. The Scam of legal marriage is that the government has a pact with the woman for her to break the contract with the man and rewards her with cash and prizes as well as taking away the man’s kids.
I've been thinking about this so much! What about monogamy do I *actually want, vs what I have been taught to want? Conversely, what about nonmonogamy do I *actually want, vs what I convinced myself I wanted in a knee-jerk reaction (correction) to the pain and frustration of a longterm, monogamous relationship that ultimately failed? I think, actually, just now typing this, that my language might be part of the problem - if I am hell-bent on seeing my divorce as a "failure," then, sure, I'm probably more inclined to see its opposite (non monogamy) as the desired path. But on the other hand (and I think this is the "fluid" language referenced in the essay), the work is to remember that it is not any particular approach (monogamy or non) that holds the key to our liberation. We hold the key to our liberation - and how we choose to practice that will be different for each of us. Labels don't matter. Numbers of partners (or absence) of partners don't matter. What matters is HOW we are in relationship(s) with other(s) - and especially how we are in relationship(s) with ourself(ves)!
Yes! Love this!
I missed hearing from you! I was just wondering how you were doing yesterday and here you are today! Thanks for this thoughtful and thought provoking piece. Monogamy (for women) and patriarchy are very interwoven. Patriarchy breeds isolation and competition between women. Matriarchy is community driven and doesn’t leave women to fend for themselves. So, monogamy might be easier for men and women under a matriarchal society, because needs are addressed by the community and not in isolation where only one person can and is supposed to meet the needs of another.
Indeed. Under matriarchy, monogamy is NOT enforced (for either gender) but rather simply seen as a personal preference. And yet somewhat paradoxically, that also likely makes it easier as well
You articulated so well what I've been dealing with since my divorce. For awhile, all I wanted was to be in a monogamous relationship with the right guy. Turns out I kissed a lot of frogs to find the "right guy." And I was in a monogamous relationship with the "right guy" for four years until I realized that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be free, with no strings attached. I love living by myself (will never, ever live with a man again) and being free to do as I want. I have a relationship with a man who is my absolute best friend - but it's not the typical, monogamous relationship. We don't define it. We get together a few times a month (he lives 3 hours away) and it is enough. Do I want more? I couldn't live with him, that's for sure. Could we live in the same town and see each other more often? Maybe. But right now? What we have works for us, and that's all I care about. Will that change? Will one of us want more, or one of us decide to move on? Maybe. I'm not going to worry about that. For now, for this moment, it works. And people don't understand that. They want everyone to default to the same relationship standards: monogamy, long-term commitment, whatever.
Fantastic observations. I’ve just started dating again and have been thinking about all of this. Situational monogamy makes sense. And why would you want to have sex with someone else when the sex is so good where you’re getting it… unless you’re not getting it. I feel it’s brave (and smart) to explore our feelings and boundaries. If he had made promises he couldn’t keep in order to keep you caged in that would have been a whole other type of “sting.”
I needed this one today. Thank you.
Forgive me, you didn't ask for advice, but I have thoughts. Energy healer guy knows his limits. Everything you've written about him says so. If you approach him again, and I'm assuming you will, I bet that he's right there. He doesn't want you to feel unsatisfied, unfulfilled or limited. He probably is confident enough in the relationship you two share and knows that you will want to see him again. Relationships that last develop their own dynamics. EHG clearly knows this. Maybe he did let you down easy. Or, maybe he knows that good things have some flex. Don't give up. If the good things were as good as you say, why would you? On the other hand, he might recognize that some of the shine has worn off, too. Maybe it has for you a bit. Is there a better way to let go? Finally, if he was sincere, there is nothing wrong here.
Man- do I relate so deeply to all of this. Thank you for sharing.
I had a similar reaction when my partner suggested going out and wingmanning for me. Like, I love that we are polyamorous but when we're out together don't you want to be my man for the night?! Lol. It felt like he wanted to get rid of me. And it felt confusing because I know that's not what he meant, he was trying to be a good polyamorous partner in his own way.
Thank you for this!! Your perspective is one that is not often heard but desperately needed! Looking forward to checking out the book rec too!
Thank you!
The American male has been sold a bill of goods such that the attitude of Mr. energy healer seems valiant and noble. No, it’s not no actual male tells his partner to go fuck somebody else I need my nap. It is against every male instinct. Testosterone levels are noticeably, according to research, Lower than ever. I don’t know what’s going on with the American male but what he did he did out of some stupid belief that he’s being a new age New World man. If you want to break away that’s one thing but throwing you to the wolves? That’s not a man. That is someone who has stopped caring not just about you but about themselves.
This post is so validating to me right now. I have a non-exclusive relationship with a man and I have been seeing other people the whole time. However, he’s always telling me how I’m the only one he has sex with. And then the other day, he randomly sends me a video of him fucking someone else and it hurt. I know it’s a total double standard since I have been having sex with other people the whole time but it still hurt and just the way he did. It was so emotionally immature. And then, when I told him it made me upset, he didn’t understand why it was hurtful the way that he did it. I have never sent him photos or videos with me and other men. I’m still grappling with why it made me so upset, but this article validates that I’m not alone and having mixed feelings around monogamy versus non-monogamy.
Omg, sending a video like that unexpectedly and unsolicited is totally different from if he had simply told you, "I had (protected) sex with someone else, just so you're aware!" It's completely normal that this would be upsetting to you, and even more enraging that he doesn't get it, because wtf?! It's revealing a lack of care for your feelings and basic consent. Not a double standard imo. I hope he apologized, at a minimum!!
Thank you for that! For added context, he was asking me if I would be up for a threesome with a friend of his and when I said, maybe, he then sent the video of them fucking the night before. I still found this upsetting as I did not ask for that and it was very unexpected. He did apologize, but his initial reaction was so hurtful because he kept saying he didn’t understand why I was upset and that my being upset did not phase him. It really makes me question any sort of relationship with him going forward despite the fact that we have been seeing one another for over two years.
Oof, there is a real lack of compassion and communication here on his part!!! Of course you are angry and hurt. He should have talked to you about his decision to sleep with other people, and should also have asked you how much you want to know about his partners / sexual encounters. To send you a video in lieu of these discussions is immature, cruel and cowardly.
Exactly! He has always said he doesn’t want to know what I am doing with anybody else and I have respected that. So this is really boggling my mind.
Completely understandable reaction on your part imo! I truly cannot understand how someone could think it's ok to just send that without asking, if the topic never came up before. Saying maybe to a threesome is not even close to saying yes to seeing his amateur porn
Just wanting to validate your feelings, because that's enormously violating. Not to mention, if he's non-consensually sending you sexually explicit videos (100% a violation of your consent), does he have his partner's consent to be sending such videos? Hopefully he doesn't have video of the two of you having sex, because if this is how he behaves, I wouldn't trust him with it.
That is a good point. I thought I trusted him until now! There’s definitely things going on in his life that are making him act out of character from what I’ve known the past couple years. I told him he needs to figure out his own shit and not take it out on me! I am not here for that!
This is so good. I've circled through these same thoughts so many times myself as my partner and I ventured into non monogamy and I would feel the same sting when he seemed fine with me going out with other men. Like... what happened to my "touch her and die" trope?! haha. Love how you put it all.
Well said. It is probably best to think of monogamy or non-monogamy as more of a spectrum rather than a binary.
I suggested this to my ex when we were together for the same reasons your Healer did. She had a massive sex drive, I was busy with two businesses, on tour a lot, tired etc…now we’re not together. There were other elements to it for sure, of my unintentional doing and even after 30 years together and insanely shit communication between us…but the end result was the same. I’ve since dabbled in non monogamy and already can see the green eyed monster appearing. It sounds ideal but emotionally (out with our social conditioning) I’m just not sure we’re made for it. Fun though it is.
We need full federal legalization of Prostitution. The problem is the Pimp(government) doesn’t want competition with it’s prostitution(legal marriage) and a wife is the most expensive form of prostitution. They need Men to keep signing up for the marriage Scam. The Scam of legal marriage is that the government has a pact with the woman for her to break the contract with the man and rewards her with cash and prizes as well as taking away the man’s kids.
For some. For others, it’s a perfectly enjoyable experience. Relationships come in many flavors for many different tastes.