In Defense of Short Men
Our obsession with height is just patriarchy.
When a few of my friends met the A/C repairman I have been sleeping with, they told me they thought he was cute.
“He is, right?” I said. “I mean, but he’s short.”
I don’t know what made me highlight his height like that. They could clearly see for themselves that he was 5’7” (which I know isn’t that short, but I’m a pretty tall lady). For some reason, I felt like I needed to apologize for it or at least acknowledge that I was aware of this glaring imperfection.
When I met my energy healer, a similar thing happened. Describing our first coffee date to friends, I said something like, “So I walked in, and he stood up, and he had this really amazing body and lovely eyes! But…… he was short.”
Not long after that, two of my closest friends gently pointed out to me that I have always had a thing for short men. The guy I briefly dated before I met my ex-husband was short. The two artists (yes, I also have a thing for artists, god help me) I had relationships with in my mid-twenties were short. The first guy I slept with post-divorce was short.
Why am I drawn to shorter men? I’m not sure! I don’t think it’s that I get satisfaction out of being bigger than the men I’m sleeping with. I mean, I only discovered that some of these guys were short after we’d already chatted for a while on the apps — after I’d already liked what I’d seen in their photos, and their the photos and profiles didn’t indicate anything about their height. In other words, their short stature revealed itself only after I’d already decided I’d liked them.
I think instead it has something to do with body proportions. Shorter men are compact in a way that I find sexy. One of my friends thinks it has to with the ratio of head size to body size. I don’t know, but I do know that my attraction to shorter men is fairly consistent.
In fact, the only person I’ve been in a long-term relationship with who hasn’t been short is ….. my ex-husband. Which might seem weird, but also kind of makes perfect sense. I probably chose him in part because I thought he’d make the perfect dad — not least because he was tall and could pass his height along to my kids.
I’ve recently realized how fucked up all of this is. Not my attraction to short men; my deep discomfort with this attraction. The notion I have somewhere in the back of my brain that short men are somehow less-than, that short stature is a damning flaw.
I’m certainly not alone in making these kinds of judgments. A former product manager at Bumble told a Wall Street Journal reporter that most women on the app set the minimum height of men they’ll match with at six feet tall. Which is absurd! Very few men are over six feet tall! And then there’s the very real, pervasive problem of height discrimination: Short men are less likely than tall men to hold managerial positions, and they often earn less, too. (It’s not just short men who are demonized, of course; short women are, too.)
One key reason why this is all so fucked up is because height discrimination is rooted in misogyny. I’ll be honest; I didn’t realize this until a friend of mine pointed it out in a text exchange about my energy healer a few weeks ago:
When she wrote that, it all clicked into place. Oh my god, I thought. Of course our reverence for tallness is a product of patriarchy. When we privilege the tall and oppress the short, we also, of course, privilege the on-average taller sex (men) over the shorter sex (women). And when we as women perceive tall men to be more attractive or better potential partners, it may be because we believe that women should choose big men who can “protect” us and ensure that we are constantly reminded of our subordinate status.
When my energy healer stands next to me and I feel uncomfortable, I’m certainly not consciously thinking Gee, I really would prefer to be more physically dominated or Oh dear, this short guy won’t be able to protect me. (Believe me, with his biceps, my energy healer could literally move mountains for me.) Still, subconsciously, it’s possible that I could be thinking these things. Perhaps there’s a part of me that feels it’s my duty to uphold the patriarchy in this way — to choose men who are physically my superior, whose presence will be a constant reminder of my inferiority.
I’m sure many women reading this will argue that their preference for tall men has nothing to do with misogyny. That they just happen to find tall men sexy. I mean yes, okay. But I think it’s worth keeping in mind that what we find attractive is often strongly shaped by socialization and culture. Don’t forget, back in the 80s, millions of women found this sexy:
Look, I don’t think we should feel guilty about or ashamed of who we’re attracted to. (Fabio fans included.) But in the future, when I find myself passing judgment on a man based on his height, I am going to remind myself of the broader implications of my reaction — and consider all of the sexist reasons I’ve likely been primed to feel this way. And then, maybe, I’ll invite that short guy into my bed. Because you know what? Height really doesn’t matter when you’re horizontal.
Yes, short kings! Sadly I think part of what makes shorter guys attractive to me is exactly that they can be very self aware and confident BECAUSE they have potentially struggled with their height. It's really easy to forget the things straight men face when dating when you're yourself trying to dodge the bullets of misogynists.
I’m 5’2 but I’m always surprised when I see myself in a group picture. I maybe short but my personality is a a kin to a “bull with a bull horn in a china shop”. I never judge a man or woman by their height - it’s not like they can do anything about it. BTW my husband is 5’6.