The Annals of Anti-Condom Asshattery

The stupid shit men say to avoid wrapping it up.

I haven’t hooked up with that many guys since my divorce, but I seem to have amassed an entire volume of ridiculous arguments and excuses when I’ve expressed the desire to use condoms.

Look, that I get it: Condoms suck. I’m not a guy so I don’t have firsthand experience, but I understand that they greatly diminish pleasure and even performance. I really wish we had better options for STI prevention, but alas, we do not. And yes, I know that a lot of STIs are now highly manageable if not fully curable. But I still really don’t want HIV, herpes, or a cancer-causing strain of HPV. (I haven’t had the HPV vaccine and I was told by my gynecologist that insurance may not cover it at my age. Nice!)

Because I’m sleeping with multiple people, and the people I’m sleeping with are sleeping with multiple people, it seems like a no brainer to take precautions. Also, I was not on birth control until a couple of weeks ago. But that hasn’t stopped guys from telling me everything will be fiiiiiiiiine if we don’t use condoms.

Do men just not care about their own safety, my safety, or the possibility of fathering a child? It’s insane. It’s 2024!!!! And these are guys in their 30s and 40s. I would think they would know better.

I’m not alone in wondering what the fuck. A friend of mine recently shared this Reddit thread with me, which is full of women sharing their disgust over how many men are willing to risk so much for their own sensual enjoyment. There are tons of other Reddit threads about this, too. So. Much. Entitled. Male. Whining. About. Condoms.

But what’s perhaps even more astounding than the ubiquity of male condom refusal is the absolutely ridiculous excuses guys have given me to convince me that condoms aren’t necessary.

Here are the five excuses I’ve heard that make me want to punch guys in the scrotum.

1. I’ll pull out. Dude, haven’t you heard the news? Pulling out is not an effective form of birth control, and we’ve know that for …… forever. I’m willing to bet you learned this in your 7th grade health class. I mean, have you really never seen “pre-cum?” I’ve seen a ton of it just in the past two weeks. That shit can have sperm in it, and sperm makes babies. (Sorry. I haaaaaaaaate the word “cum” and I apologize for using it.) Oh and let’s not forget that you can easily get STIs from intercourse even if a guy doesn’t ejaculate.

2. Trust me, I’m clean. Okay, sir. Tell me why I should trust you. I don’t even know you, and you want to get into my pants. Once, I scowled at a guy who said this to me in bed and he said “Why would I lie to you?” and I was like BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH ME, THAT’S FUCKING WHY. The number of times I’ve heard “trust me, I’m clean” from a guy without an accompanying offer to show me STD test results is just …. wow. I think maybe guys assume that if they feel fine, they are disease-free, but that’s just not how STIs work. Chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, and HPV are often symptom-free, but you can still spread them to others. Also, if you’re whining about wearing a condom with me, you’re almost certainly doing that with other women, too, which means you are among the least likely men out there to be “clean.”

3. I get tested regularly. First of all, show me your results (no one ever has). Second of all, what does “regularly” mean? If you got tested three months ago but have had unprotected sex with 15 women since, why should I feel safe? Third of all, most STI tests only cover a handful of diseases. My local department of health offers free STI testing, but only for gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis. Chances are high that the tests most guys get (if they are actually getting them!!) do not cover all diseases. Also, guys don’t always understand what STI testing entails. A man recently told me he had “just been tested” and when I pressed for more information, I learned that he’d merely gotten a routine blood test during his annual check-up. Nope! Those typically don’t test for STIs.

4. If we’re going down on each other, we’ll get STIs anyway, so we might as well have unprotected intercourse, too. I will concede that this argument has a nugget of merit — it is possible to get HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, and HPV from oral sex, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never used a dental dam. But my god, this excuse reflects a terrible misunderstanding of risk. It’s like saying that because you can still die in a car crash while wearing a seat belt, you might as well stop wearing a seat belt entirely. Risk is not all or nothing. Risk is cumulative. Yes, unprotected oral sex increases your risk for an STI. But having unprotected intercourse on top of that increases it a whole lot more.

5. We can just be monogamous. This is by far my favorite because I have heard it from multiple men before ever having met them in person. I’ll be texting with a guy on Tinder or FEELD about potentially meeting up, bring up the topic of condoms, and he’ll say “How about we just don’t sleep with other people?” Hahahahahahahaha! You’re hilarious! I mean first, why would I trust your word on not sleeping around? You’re a horny stranger on a sex app. Second, could you be any more entitled? What you’re saying is that your pleasure is worth more than my freedom. Thanks, but no thanks. And….. next.