Thanks for this! I am sick to the back teeth of having to explain that my relationship goals depend entirely on who I meet. I hate the idea of predetermining what I want from another human being and think that as divorcées we confuse people because that one goal of marriage no longer applies (not that it ever should have!) Here’s to open dating goals and human connection, no matter the relationship structure!
I’ve been monogamous for a very long time, but back in my 20s when I was dating, I was always so annoyed and confused by the convention everyone seemed to obey of having something they were “looking for,” in advance of meeting any actual people they might look for it with. Like, “looking for a relationship” or “not looking for anything serious” or whatever. I just wanted to meet people and see what happened. Have adventures. Have sex with someone as many times as we both wanted to. Have experiences. Have a full-blown relationship IF I met someone I wanted to have one with. How can you know what you want someone to be to you before you get to know them?
In the same vein, I’m troubled by what I read about how today’s young (teenage/college-age) people approach sex and relationships: TERRIFIED of seeming like they think a hookup “meant anything.” They get preemptively drunk just so they can have deniability. If they express interest in ever seeing the person again after they hook up, they get excommunicated from the hookup scene because “obviously” this means they want to marry the person. And women are, of course, the prime suspects for this crime, since that’s “what women want.” So both parties make a big show of ignoring each other when they see each other. As if there were no middle ground between “meaningless” and “lifetime commitment.” As though a hookup can’t “mean anything” other than lifetime commitment. Hookups mean lots of things. They mean you were attracted to each other. They mean you vibed on some level. They mean something happened that night, as opposed to nothing. But there’s an unspoken contract to pretend none of these things are real. It’s crazy.
I remember reading interviews in which college students said they felt pressured to act thusly (hooking up, avoiding “catching feels”) at elite colleges a decade ago. I think that was in the Chronicle of Higher Education or the student newspaper of a major university.
Feels like there’s a generational divide here. For young milennials (I just turned 30) and gen z, casual is all we’ve known in a dating environment where we’re constantly told to be the “chill girl” and not too needy. And yes, casual can be fun and messy and fulfilling in its own right. But it’s also normal to want something dependable, consistent, and with an evolving romantic intimacy that can only come with spending a lot of time with someone you enjoy personally and like having sex with. Important to note i don’t mean necessarily monogamy or marriage.
I’m also latina, queer, woman identifying, engaged, and living in Brooklyn so caveat that this all colors and biases my perspective - but people HATE situationships and feel totally stuck and Jillian is definitely speaking to this (my) specific demographic. I think it’s a huge misread to think she’s classifying women as “boring, inauthentic, and dishonest” - she’s saying they can (and deserve to) be their full selves and ask for what they want which tbh seems to be what you regularly advocate for as well
Thank you! This is very helpful context and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I think in some ways we are saying the same thing. You are frustrated by the dating culture that has said that women should always be chill and not needy....and understandably so, yuck. I'm frustrated by the culture I've experienced, which tells women that they should avoid casual sex in favor of stability and long-term partnerships. Both these messages are unhelpful, because they are constraining and controlling -- we should all have the freedom to pursue whatever we want and need, rather than what other people tell us we should want and need. (And perhaps unsurprisingly, both of these cultural messages serve men. The "be chill" messaging serves men who want to enjoy casual sex with no strings attached; the "don't have casual sex" messaging serves perhaps slightly older men by promoting the institution of marriage, which typically benefits men more than women.) Regarding her "be different, be real, be honest" thing, I hear you -- I also think she means well, but the framing put me off because it implies that casual is always inauthentic, something that women never really want.... and yet sometimes we do! Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!
I agree 100%! Post divorce I wasn’t ready for a relationship but also didn’t want to be celibate. It was challenging but I did find a few others whose needs aligned with this and we had a great time.
When I started dating post divorce and had “short term, open to long” in my profile. people were so confused. Apparently this is only something for men to do!? But it felt like it exactly outlined my situation. I wasn’t looking for another relationship but also, if something developed organically, I wasn’t just going to say no to it.
I'm so grateful for this newsletter and the talent and experience you pour into it. A year ago I left my marriage, having had a very frank discussion with self that it could very well mean I never have sex again, which was fine, because I had zero want. But time does as its want to do, and I'm enjoying the thought of what could lay ahead. Your words have helped me get there. Thank you! I love your 2025 dating goals, I might copy those down and let them simmer. They feel right.
When I first put my profile on Match back in 2011, I had just started grad school and had no idea what I was really interested in relationship-wise. I just knew that I wanted to go on dates and hopefully meet some new guys I was interested in because I wanted some dating experience. I dated a handful of people and quickly realized I wasn’t really interested in something super casual. The day I went on my first date with my husband I was still dating two other guys (one was dating other people, and one only wanted to date me, but we’d only been on like 3 dates so I wasn’t ready to be exclusive). I didn’t immediately know my husband was the only person I wanted to date, but we had a great first date and immediately made a plan for the next date. I talked to the guy who had been seeing other people the next day and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore (it just wasn’t what I wanted), and a few days later the other guy said he didn’t want to date me anymore if I still wasn’t sure I wanted to only date him. My husband asked me to be his girlfriend after our 3rd date like a week later, so I ended up in a relationship pretty quickly, but I think it’s important to stay present and aware of what you want.
Agree wholeheartedly. I feel like her intentions were good - be clear about your needs and expectations and don’t allow other people to usurp them - butttt , as you said, in the same sentence, she tells us what we “should” need and expect.
Thank you. It’s good to normalise + promote healthy relationships of all sorts.
Navigating casual sex in my early 20s (in a foreign culture) was a real minefield. There was a of lack access of good information/advice which begot poor communication skills, hampered already by a tendency towards secretiveness because of the judgemental attitudes of the socially conservative society we lived in.
Good intentions are important, but never enough: having information like this helps people avoid the emotional messes we often fell into.
Maybe, just maybe, we can walk away from any relationship in which we aren’t getting our needs met, whatever they are, regardless of the category of relationship.
I’ve been in a serious romance where he was late or cancelled without rescheduling, which drove me batty and led to me setting out my needs clearly. When he couldn’t meet them, it ended. I’ve been in a casual fling where we had amazing and respectful sex and conversation when he was in town, and never talked in between except for logistics. That met my needs and his at the time!
So it’s not about looking for or demanding arbitrary labels. It’s about having the courage to ask for what you want and need, listening to what they want and need, and politely disengaging when they don’t align or they’re not capable of meeting you there. “Hey, thank you so much for the [whatever it was] but this isn’t what I’m looking for” is incredibly empowering.
Indeed. A better and less judge way to make the intended point would be "don't pretend you are cool with X, Y, or Z(whatever that may be) when you are really not. Honesty is the best policy."
I think we need a common set of terms here. It sounded like what you had were pleasant *flings*, whereas I imagine a ‘situationship’ as being either a neo name for FWB or what two people call it when one wants to call it a relationship.
Thanks for this! I am sick to the back teeth of having to explain that my relationship goals depend entirely on who I meet. I hate the idea of predetermining what I want from another human being and think that as divorcées we confuse people because that one goal of marriage no longer applies (not that it ever should have!) Here’s to open dating goals and human connection, no matter the relationship structure!
I’ve been monogamous for a very long time, but back in my 20s when I was dating, I was always so annoyed and confused by the convention everyone seemed to obey of having something they were “looking for,” in advance of meeting any actual people they might look for it with. Like, “looking for a relationship” or “not looking for anything serious” or whatever. I just wanted to meet people and see what happened. Have adventures. Have sex with someone as many times as we both wanted to. Have experiences. Have a full-blown relationship IF I met someone I wanted to have one with. How can you know what you want someone to be to you before you get to know them?
In the same vein, I’m troubled by what I read about how today’s young (teenage/college-age) people approach sex and relationships: TERRIFIED of seeming like they think a hookup “meant anything.” They get preemptively drunk just so they can have deniability. If they express interest in ever seeing the person again after they hook up, they get excommunicated from the hookup scene because “obviously” this means they want to marry the person. And women are, of course, the prime suspects for this crime, since that’s “what women want.” So both parties make a big show of ignoring each other when they see each other. As if there were no middle ground between “meaningless” and “lifetime commitment.” As though a hookup can’t “mean anything” other than lifetime commitment. Hookups mean lots of things. They mean you were attracted to each other. They mean you vibed on some level. They mean something happened that night, as opposed to nothing. But there’s an unspoken contract to pretend none of these things are real. It’s crazy.
Wow, yes!! The inability (or unwillingness) to consider or allow nuance can be so toxic.
WOW. I just loved reading this. Thank you, I couldn't agree more!
Yes to all of this! It’s all so either/or 😔
I remember reading interviews in which college students said they felt pressured to act thusly (hooking up, avoiding “catching feels”) at elite colleges a decade ago. I think that was in the Chronicle of Higher Education or the student newspaper of a major university.
Well said
Feels like there’s a generational divide here. For young milennials (I just turned 30) and gen z, casual is all we’ve known in a dating environment where we’re constantly told to be the “chill girl” and not too needy. And yes, casual can be fun and messy and fulfilling in its own right. But it’s also normal to want something dependable, consistent, and with an evolving romantic intimacy that can only come with spending a lot of time with someone you enjoy personally and like having sex with. Important to note i don’t mean necessarily monogamy or marriage.
I’m also latina, queer, woman identifying, engaged, and living in Brooklyn so caveat that this all colors and biases my perspective - but people HATE situationships and feel totally stuck and Jillian is definitely speaking to this (my) specific demographic. I think it’s a huge misread to think she’s classifying women as “boring, inauthentic, and dishonest” - she’s saying they can (and deserve to) be their full selves and ask for what they want which tbh seems to be what you regularly advocate for as well
Thank you! This is very helpful context and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I think in some ways we are saying the same thing. You are frustrated by the dating culture that has said that women should always be chill and not needy....and understandably so, yuck. I'm frustrated by the culture I've experienced, which tells women that they should avoid casual sex in favor of stability and long-term partnerships. Both these messages are unhelpful, because they are constraining and controlling -- we should all have the freedom to pursue whatever we want and need, rather than what other people tell us we should want and need. (And perhaps unsurprisingly, both of these cultural messages serve men. The "be chill" messaging serves men who want to enjoy casual sex with no strings attached; the "don't have casual sex" messaging serves perhaps slightly older men by promoting the institution of marriage, which typically benefits men more than women.) Regarding her "be different, be real, be honest" thing, I hear you -- I also think she means well, but the framing put me off because it implies that casual is always inauthentic, something that women never really want.... and yet sometimes we do! Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!
How is one supposed to *discern* authenticity, then?
I agree 100%! Post divorce I wasn’t ready for a relationship but also didn’t want to be celibate. It was challenging but I did find a few others whose needs aligned with this and we had a great time.
Exactly this! I lost my husband suddenly in late 2023. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I still want to get laid.
When I started dating post divorce and had “short term, open to long” in my profile. people were so confused. Apparently this is only something for men to do!? But it felt like it exactly outlined my situation. I wasn’t looking for another relationship but also, if something developed organically, I wasn’t just going to say no to it.
Oh that's funny. I have "short term fun" in my profile, so I imagine I'm REALLY breaking all the gender rules. Hooray!
The men are out here like “WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!” Can’t possibly be…what it says. 😂
Men know *exactly* what "short term fun" means.
I had wanted to put the same thing but then put the ‘long, open to short’ because I thought I ‘should’ 🤦🏻♀️
I'm so grateful for this newsletter and the talent and experience you pour into it. A year ago I left my marriage, having had a very frank discussion with self that it could very well mean I never have sex again, which was fine, because I had zero want. But time does as its want to do, and I'm enjoying the thought of what could lay ahead. Your words have helped me get there. Thank you! I love your 2025 dating goals, I might copy those down and let them simmer. They feel right.
Congratulations on leaving your marriage and I'm so glad you're here!
When I first put my profile on Match back in 2011, I had just started grad school and had no idea what I was really interested in relationship-wise. I just knew that I wanted to go on dates and hopefully meet some new guys I was interested in because I wanted some dating experience. I dated a handful of people and quickly realized I wasn’t really interested in something super casual. The day I went on my first date with my husband I was still dating two other guys (one was dating other people, and one only wanted to date me, but we’d only been on like 3 dates so I wasn’t ready to be exclusive). I didn’t immediately know my husband was the only person I wanted to date, but we had a great first date and immediately made a plan for the next date. I talked to the guy who had been seeing other people the next day and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore (it just wasn’t what I wanted), and a few days later the other guy said he didn’t want to date me anymore if I still wasn’t sure I wanted to only date him. My husband asked me to be his girlfriend after our 3rd date like a week later, so I ended up in a relationship pretty quickly, but I think it’s important to stay present and aware of what you want.
Agree wholeheartedly. I feel like her intentions were good - be clear about your needs and expectations and don’t allow other people to usurp them - butttt , as you said, in the same sentence, she tells us what we “should” need and expect.
Thank you. It’s good to normalise + promote healthy relationships of all sorts.
Navigating casual sex in my early 20s (in a foreign culture) was a real minefield. There was a of lack access of good information/advice which begot poor communication skills, hampered already by a tendency towards secretiveness because of the judgemental attitudes of the socially conservative society we lived in.
Good intentions are important, but never enough: having information like this helps people avoid the emotional messes we often fell into.
Maybe, just maybe, we can walk away from any relationship in which we aren’t getting our needs met, whatever they are, regardless of the category of relationship.
I’ve been in a serious romance where he was late or cancelled without rescheduling, which drove me batty and led to me setting out my needs clearly. When he couldn’t meet them, it ended. I’ve been in a casual fling where we had amazing and respectful sex and conversation when he was in town, and never talked in between except for logistics. That met my needs and his at the time!
So it’s not about looking for or demanding arbitrary labels. It’s about having the courage to ask for what you want and need, listening to what they want and need, and politely disengaging when they don’t align or they’re not capable of meeting you there. “Hey, thank you so much for the [whatever it was] but this isn’t what I’m looking for” is incredibly empowering.
I don’t have any goals. If I had i would be team Turecki. I used to be afraid of open up. It led me exactly nowhere.
Indeed. A better and less judge way to make the intended point would be "don't pretend you are cool with X, Y, or Z(whatever that may be) when you are really not. Honesty is the best policy."
I love the way you write about sex and relationships. As a widow aged 51 who has recently discovered internet dating it's a #HardRelate from me
Yes it is
I think we need a common set of terms here. It sounded like what you had were pleasant *flings*, whereas I imagine a ‘situationship’ as being either a neo name for FWB or what two people call it when one wants to call it a relationship.
Well said overall.