Ooo that last line feels like some seriously empowering clarity.
It’s so interesting that there’s guys wanting to be the sex guru type, it makes my stomach turn, I’ve met a few of them while I was single, their whole energy felt ‘leaky’.
A guy I dated years ago spat in my mouth once while on top of me, I was disgusted and angry and actually lost a lot of respect for him, I’m happily a snob when it comes to guys with skanky taste in kink!
Loving your writing, it’s so fluid (actually didn’t intend that pun but let’s go with it!) and engaging. Admire your courage
“I have always found it hard to tell the difference between wanting to try something because I’m curious, and wanting to try something to please the person I’m with. I never want feel pressured into doing things for a man’s enjoyment — and I’d like to think that I would not, at this point in my life, give into such coercion if I felt it. But as a woman who’s spent a lifetime sacrificing my own needs for others, I can’t always be sure. Old habits die hard.”
This hit me too! Him spitting in your mouth without you agreeing to that first was out of line.
Discernment between curiosity and pleasing someone else is a practice in self-trust. It’s hard to know what we truly want and don’t want when we’ve allowed the lines to be crossed so many times.
Like you, I’m learning to speak up when I don’t like or want something. And in doing so, also finding out what kind of man I’m with based on his response to that.
I wonder if him spitting in your mouth without consent was a test to see whether he could escalate to non-consent more generally. There are a lot of abusers masquerading behind consensual D/s dynamics, and often they subtly escalate to see what they might get away with in the future.
Yes, I wonder this too….. I called him out on it again the next day via text and told him it was totally uncool, but who knows how much of a difference that will make! I’m not sure if I’m going to see him again anyway.
These essays are such important and powerful slice-of-life explorations, thank you for sharing them!
Side note: have you seen Single Lady, Ali Wong’s latest standup special on Netflix? A hilarious and empowering take on post-divorce sex that you and subscribers might enjoy.
70 year old widow here. Thanks for starting my morning with a bit of wet panties (aka Depends). I was very, very lucky as my husband was a very experienced, multi-orgasmic, playful, adoring man who was a “I am ready to please partner.” Thank god for all the great sex toys now because I don’t think hunting for sex at my age is something I’d care for. Remember that the best sex organ is your brain.
I think you’re really touching on something here that people need to understand better. If you’re in the heat of things and feeling uneasy or if you’re already having to rationalize what’s going on in realtime that’s a problem and a huge red flag. The best sex advice I have heard as a man is that your job is to turn off the rational part of her brain and don’t let it turn back on again. Make her lose herself in the moment. Sex should be an escape from the constant mental marathon of life, not double it!
A woman should be able to trust the man she’s having sex with, or he should be skilled enough to turn off her rationalizations. This anecdote shows that neither happened. That’s a huge fail on his part and probably why he’s on Feeld in the first place rather than paired up. He’s of prime age and attractive, why is he doing what he’s doing? You shouldn’t have to tell someone not to spit in your mouth, and you shouldn’t have to tolerate men like this in order to expand your horizons.
I love your blog and commend you for sharing though, I’m not trying to say you’ve done anything wrong, just that you’re probably above that situation.
As a sadly recent single man, I have to care for my prostate by watching videos that would never be considered for academy awards. These are the videos that set the expectations about sex for youngsters. Recently, I've seen quite a bit of spitting in mouths. It's disgusting. Who would enjoy that. My father brought me up to never raise a hand to a lady in anger. I must respect the fairer sex. But, sorry Dad, if a woman spat in my mouth, I'd give her a slap. Dribbling saliva to lubricate is one thing, but spitting is the act of a barbarian. So disrespectful.
Ooo that last line feels like some seriously empowering clarity.
It’s so interesting that there’s guys wanting to be the sex guru type, it makes my stomach turn, I’ve met a few of them while I was single, their whole energy felt ‘leaky’.
A guy I dated years ago spat in my mouth once while on top of me, I was disgusted and angry and actually lost a lot of respect for him, I’m happily a snob when it comes to guys with skanky taste in kink!
Loving your writing, it’s so fluid (actually didn’t intend that pun but let’s go with it!) and engaging. Admire your courage
Damn:
“I have always found it hard to tell the difference between wanting to try something because I’m curious, and wanting to try something to please the person I’m with. I never want feel pressured into doing things for a man’s enjoyment — and I’d like to think that I would not, at this point in my life, give into such coercion if I felt it. But as a woman who’s spent a lifetime sacrificing my own needs for others, I can’t always be sure. Old habits die hard.”
This hit me too! Him spitting in your mouth without you agreeing to that first was out of line.
Discernment between curiosity and pleasing someone else is a practice in self-trust. It’s hard to know what we truly want and don’t want when we’ve allowed the lines to be crossed so many times.
Like you, I’m learning to speak up when I don’t like or want something. And in doing so, also finding out what kind of man I’m with based on his response to that.
That resonated with me as well. It makes me somewhat fearful of dating because I'm afraid I'm going to just agree because I'm such a people pleaser.
I wonder if him spitting in your mouth without consent was a test to see whether he could escalate to non-consent more generally. There are a lot of abusers masquerading behind consensual D/s dynamics, and often they subtly escalate to see what they might get away with in the future.
Yes, I wonder this too….. I called him out on it again the next day via text and told him it was totally uncool, but who knows how much of a difference that will make! I’m not sure if I’m going to see him again anyway.
These essays are such important and powerful slice-of-life explorations, thank you for sharing them!
Side note: have you seen Single Lady, Ali Wong’s latest standup special on Netflix? A hilarious and empowering take on post-divorce sex that you and subscribers might enjoy.
A friend of mine was just talking about it! I plan to watch very soon!!!
Spitting is a hard no for me. Yuck! I'm pretty adventurous but I really don't see anything sexy about somebody spitting into my mouth.
70 year old widow here. Thanks for starting my morning with a bit of wet panties (aka Depends). I was very, very lucky as my husband was a very experienced, multi-orgasmic, playful, adoring man who was a “I am ready to please partner.” Thank god for all the great sex toys now because I don’t think hunting for sex at my age is something I’d care for. Remember that the best sex organ is your brain.
Multi-orgasmic men aren't talked about enough. They're my favorite.
I have zero complaints for sure.
I think you’re really touching on something here that people need to understand better. If you’re in the heat of things and feeling uneasy or if you’re already having to rationalize what’s going on in realtime that’s a problem and a huge red flag. The best sex advice I have heard as a man is that your job is to turn off the rational part of her brain and don’t let it turn back on again. Make her lose herself in the moment. Sex should be an escape from the constant mental marathon of life, not double it!
A woman should be able to trust the man she’s having sex with, or he should be skilled enough to turn off her rationalizations. This anecdote shows that neither happened. That’s a huge fail on his part and probably why he’s on Feeld in the first place rather than paired up. He’s of prime age and attractive, why is he doing what he’s doing? You shouldn’t have to tell someone not to spit in your mouth, and you shouldn’t have to tolerate men like this in order to expand your horizons.
I love your blog and commend you for sharing though, I’m not trying to say you’ve done anything wrong, just that you’re probably above that situation.
As a sadly recent single man, I have to care for my prostate by watching videos that would never be considered for academy awards. These are the videos that set the expectations about sex for youngsters. Recently, I've seen quite a bit of spitting in mouths. It's disgusting. Who would enjoy that. My father brought me up to never raise a hand to a lady in anger. I must respect the fairer sex. But, sorry Dad, if a woman spat in my mouth, I'd give her a slap. Dribbling saliva to lubricate is one thing, but spitting is the act of a barbarian. So disrespectful.