19 Comments
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Jenny Muller's avatar

Interesting that he couldn’t honor your request to communicate while he was out of town, but expected you to honor his request to be monogamous. Despite your having insisted from the beginning that you wanted a casual relationship. I think this lays bare the lie that’s at the heart of our culture’s (gendered) narrative about “fear of commitment” and “clinginess” and all that. Perhaps a lot of the time what we call “fear of commitment” is really a desire for the other person to be available for sex whenever you want, but otherwise keep quiet and don’t ask for anything from you. And “clinginess” refers to asking anything from the other person.

His monosyllabic responses remind me of an old boyfriend of mine who once said, “I don’t have time for your complex emotional bullshit.”

Too bad: relationships, especially sexual ones, are complex and emotional, even when casual and non-exclusive.

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Loretta's avatar

Yes!!! Well said. And the funny thing is that I told him many times that I wasn't interested in monogamy nor willing to promise it. And yet he still somehow came to expect it. Even though he would leave for long periods of time. He just kind of did what he wanted to do in the moment while also having expectations of me that weren't fair or accurate based on the conversations we'd had. (That ex boyfriend of yours... UGH.)

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Erin Ryan Burdette's avatar

Abso-f’ing-lutely! Sexual relationships, even when casual, are complex and emotional. That's not bc women are “clingy,” that's the nature of sleeping with anyone semi-regularly. Thank you for the distinction.

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Kristin's avatar

I really appreciate your ability to communicate and stick with your boundaries. You are so strong and confident in your needs! Cheers to non-monogamy!

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Loretta's avatar

Thank you for saying that! I don't always feel like I'm doing it to the degree that I should. But I'm trying!

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Anneliz Erese's avatar

I want to get to a point when I’m as clear headed as you. ♥️

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heee's avatar

This is a very healthy and realistic telling. More people should see stories like this.

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Liz's avatar

This is such an important observation! Patterns are huge - and when you’ve asked and asked and the behavior doesn’t change, the absolute best option is to end it.

I wish I had followed this advice instead of staying married for décades. He was a good man in many ways, but he felt entitled to ignore repeated requests. Instead of leaving i stayed and became resentful - and that’s on me. Long-term tolerating rarely resolves well. I love hearing about other women’s clarity and leveling up. This is the way we evolve.

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Jade O'Callaghan's avatar

He waited two hours to reply to each of your messages! I simply, cannot!

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Teddi's avatar

Loretta , You don’t have to justify your feelings you were spot on with your responses and as soon as he bristled at using condoms I would have grabbed my undies and been headed home .

I feel there is more to his story of his working on a house in another state . Kind of raised my eyebrows

Be Well

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Kris Jackson's avatar

“Renovating a house in another state” = entire family, including 2.5 kids and a dog in my mind.

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Loretta's avatar

LOL you are not the first to say this and I have even said it to him! Like "how are the wife and kids today?"

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Loretta's avatar

But in all honesty I do not think this is the situation. He's very much a loner. I mean it's possible, for sure! But I think unlikely.

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Dina's avatar

Just reading the text message string made my hair bristle. BTDT. Infuriating and lonely-making.

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Madeline's avatar

GOOD FOR YOU 🎉🎉🎉

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Chauncey Zalkin's avatar

When you call people that you are intimate with names like energy, healer, and AC repairman, you are automatically minimizing them to caricature. How do you expect a real relationship?

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Loretta's avatar

I have given them nicknames here so that readers can remember them over time and to maintain their anonymity.

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BiancaJinju's avatar

Mama I’ve missed you🩷

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danielle's avatar

That's a shame, coulda been a good fit if you were on the same page.

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