Four Things My Date Did That Ensured I'd Never Sleep with Him

If you have to say "but I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you," you've already lost.

A couple of evenings ago, I went out with a guy I’ve recently been texting. He’s someone I’ve known for a while in my community — a divorced dad who recently learned of my divorce — and I’d always felt an interesting energy between us.

We went out because last week, I serendipitously ran into him, and then he followed up with an email. We started texting and decided to meet for drinks. It was clear from our banter that he was hoping we’d hook up, but I was on the fence — and clear about that from the getgo — because we had an ethical conflict of interest that I don’t want to get into here. But I find off-limits men to be a reeeallll turn on, so I knew there was a chance I might sleep with him anyway.

Well, he eliminated that possibility real fast. Here are the four things he did that made him about as attractive as Donald Trump’s ball sack.

1. He touched me constantly.

We met at a dive bar, and he showed up and immediately came in for a bear hug. We’ve never hugged before, so it was weird. I reminded myself that it’s not unheard of to greet someone you know with a hug, so I let it go. But then three seconds later he went back in for a second one, and I pulled away and was like “Okay, whoa, slow down,” which was the first awkward moment of the night, because he was like “what?” and I was like, “uhhh, I mean, this is a lot,” and he was like, “sorry I just like hugs” (cue my first eyeroll). Then, throughout the night, every time he went up to the bar or used the bathroom (which was…. a lot???), he came over and tried to give me an ADDITIONAL hug, each of which I resisted. Dude: If a lady doesn’t like being touched, stop touching her.

2. He talked nonstop about himself.

I can understand feeling nervous and babbling a little. And I can understand wanting to fill awkward silences — as the night went on, there were more and more of those. But Jesus Christ, this man asked me a grand total of two questions over the course of three hours. It was all me, me, me, me, me — and not only that, but also aren’t I so very impressive. He told me that people have pulled him aside and told him he’s the best, most caring dad they’ve ever seen. He said that people have told him he’s the smartest person to ever have his job. He told me that he has two masters degrees, that his son is has been varsity soccer team captain since the ninth grade, and that his ex-wife’s family likes him more than they like her. Guys ostensibly do this to impress women, yet it accomplishes the exact opposite. Instead of thinking this guy was a smart guy and a great dad, I had him pegged as a self-centered, pompous, misogynistic douchebag. Next.

3. He gave me unsolicited and patronizing advice.

Nothing makes me bristle faster than a man saying, “Can I give you a piece of advice?” Oh, please, human being with a (probable micro)penis, bestow your glorious wisdom upon me of the lesser sex! The advice he was generous enough to give me was priceless — in its absurdity, anyway. It was “divorce advice,” and what he wanted me to know was that “the kids are the most important thing.” I remember barking back, “Yes, I’m well aware that the kids are the most important thing,” and then changing the subject. Did I tell you that he’s a wonderful dad?

4. He dismissed my perspective and told me how I actually felt.

After several hours of this nonsense I was ready to call it a night. I had no interest in going home with him. But because I’m a woman who’s been socialized to be non-confrontational (and because as a woman the last thing you want is to be alone with a guy you don’t know who is suddenly angry with you!), I blamed the circumstances. I said I didn’t think we should go home together because the situation was complicated and potentially unethical. “No it isn’t,” he replied. When I unpacked my ethical concerns in more detail, which, by the way, were extremely valid, he told me that I shouldn’t worry so much and nobody would find out. So then I went with, “I just feel uncomfortable doing this,” and that’s when he started actually-ing my feelings. He said, “I think there’s a part of you that really does want this,” and “I think you’re actually very attracted to me.” THEN, after all that, he had the audacity to say “but I don’t want you to think that I’m pressuring you.” Ahahahahahahahahahaha!

In the end, I did rid myself of him — but in an unfortunate turn of events, he surprised me with a goodbye kiss (of course he did), which, because I had two beers in me and am a flawed human being, I returned. Whoops! Yesterday morning he reached out to ask if I wanted to see him again, and I wrote back a kind but firm no, which he seemed to accept ….. for eight whole minutes. Then he texted: “But…..you agree we have chemistry?”

Yes — if by “chemistry” you mean that I might accidentally douse you in gasoline and set you on fire. In that case, absolutely.

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