You hardly know this man,” my therapist had told me. “You aren’t really falling for him. You’re falling for the idea of him.”
You know what? I think also (and I have been there exactly!!!) I was falling for the idea of ME when I was with him. I loved this hot spontaneous vibrant rule breaking person because well, that IS me and I hide it a lot.
I loved that this person was ok with all that and maybe even saw me all the better for it. Then I realized he was really more like everyone else, just one degree different and that made me mad. Look what men with one degree difference than all of the other men get in return!!!
(Also someone on substack wrote — sorry to get that I can’t remember who!! — that she stopped dating because the only men she liked were the very ambitious ones and they were also never available. I related to that!)
It also struck me that the “green flags” he named were kind of impersonal. Smart, beautiful, great mother—who wouldn’t want those things in a partner? Which makes it feel less like he was responding to something *about you* that resonated with *him* and more like he was checking off boxes, which never feels good. And then the sending you flowers—in addition to being an inappropriately over-the-top gesture, it’s also a generically “romantic” one. I’m sorry he had a heart attack (!) but it makes sense that you’re not excited to see him again.
Such a great point about the genericness of his green flags and how they were probably much more about checking off boxes for himself than about anything he actually observed in me.
There's so much here that resonates but most of all your therapist is a Jedi: "'This is why people get freaked out by love-bombing,' my therapist had added. 'They know the other person’s feelings can’t be authentic. They’re falling for a fantasy, not the real you — and that feels unsettling.'” Yep.
I appreciate your framing here and think you're dead on. I feel like too much of the discourse around "love bombing" (especially on places like Reddit) tends to cast the men as manipulative narcissists just trying to trick some poor woman into sleeping with him.
Of course, I'm sure some ARE being consciously manipulative, probably a lot of them, but I suspect most are just really infatuated. Add in a lack of awareness or insight and now you got a guy who's totally convinced that he's *In Love*.
It happens, we're all just a product of our evolution. I'm sure the cave people who experienced limerence probably had a lot more kids than the ones who didn't, and then here we are, lol.
I am yelling NO and RUN while reading this . . . he has NO IDEA what a good mother is and I absolutely despise that is used as some metric for women. Then he sends you flowers you have to PICK UP??? Like sir, you couldn't afford to have them delivered? Block this fool. Love your content!!
To be fair, where would he deliver them? She didn't take him home, so unless he is stalking her, how would he know her address? It sounds as if he was going to pick them up himself just before their date, but when she cancelled, he didn't want them to go to waste.
My ex-husband love-bombed me. . .hard. He asked me to marry him within a week of us meeting. I, being desperate for a relationship, desperate for male attention, desperate for love, accepted (and ignored that warning bell in my head). 18 years of a mind-fuck of a marriage. Splitting up. Getting back together. Love-bombing to win me back. It was a terrible cycle of abuse (yes, he is a full-blown narcissist). I'm glad you saw the signs and remembered what your therapist told you!
You hardly know this man,” my therapist had told me. “You aren’t really falling for him. You’re falling for the idea of him.”
You know what? I think also (and I have been there exactly!!!) I was falling for the idea of ME when I was with him. I loved this hot spontaneous vibrant rule breaking person because well, that IS me and I hide it a lot.
I loved that this person was ok with all that and maybe even saw me all the better for it. Then I realized he was really more like everyone else, just one degree different and that made me mad. Look what men with one degree difference than all of the other men get in return!!!
Sending love but not bombs…
"I was falling for the idea of ME when I was with him" -- yes!!! This is it too!!!
(Also someone on substack wrote — sorry to get that I can’t remember who!! — that she stopped dating because the only men she liked were the very ambitious ones and they were also never available. I related to that!)
It also struck me that the “green flags” he named were kind of impersonal. Smart, beautiful, great mother—who wouldn’t want those things in a partner? Which makes it feel less like he was responding to something *about you* that resonated with *him* and more like he was checking off boxes, which never feels good. And then the sending you flowers—in addition to being an inappropriately over-the-top gesture, it’s also a generically “romantic” one. I’m sorry he had a heart attack (!) but it makes sense that you’re not excited to see him again.
Such a great point about the genericness of his green flags and how they were probably much more about checking off boxes for himself than about anything he actually observed in me.
There's so much here that resonates but most of all your therapist is a Jedi: "'This is why people get freaked out by love-bombing,' my therapist had added. 'They know the other person’s feelings can’t be authentic. They’re falling for a fantasy, not the real you — and that feels unsettling.'” Yep.
She's amazing. I love her.
I appreciate your framing here and think you're dead on. I feel like too much of the discourse around "love bombing" (especially on places like Reddit) tends to cast the men as manipulative narcissists just trying to trick some poor woman into sleeping with him.
Of course, I'm sure some ARE being consciously manipulative, probably a lot of them, but I suspect most are just really infatuated. Add in a lack of awareness or insight and now you got a guy who's totally convinced that he's *In Love*.
It happens, we're all just a product of our evolution. I'm sure the cave people who experienced limerence probably had a lot more kids than the ones who didn't, and then here we are, lol.
“Beautiful park man.” 😂 I love that title so much. Heart problem man had MANY other problems, yuck.
I am yelling NO and RUN while reading this . . . he has NO IDEA what a good mother is and I absolutely despise that is used as some metric for women. Then he sends you flowers you have to PICK UP??? Like sir, you couldn't afford to have them delivered? Block this fool. Love your content!!
To be fair, where would he deliver them? She didn't take him home, so unless he is stalking her, how would he know her address? It sounds as if he was going to pick them up himself just before their date, but when she cancelled, he didn't want them to go to waste.
My ex-husband love-bombed me. . .hard. He asked me to marry him within a week of us meeting. I, being desperate for a relationship, desperate for male attention, desperate for love, accepted (and ignored that warning bell in my head). 18 years of a mind-fuck of a marriage. Splitting up. Getting back together. Love-bombing to win me back. It was a terrible cycle of abuse (yes, he is a full-blown narcissist). I'm glad you saw the signs and remembered what your therapist told you!